March 17, 2009

12:59 p.m.

Eagle

I went North to visit my new transgender friend yesterday. It was a very interesting, mentally challenging, and emotionally satisfying visit. Nothing like stretching your brain cells in ways you never imagined.

I could not for a moment get past the very strong feeling that I have a past connection to this person. Even through the initial awkwardness and conversational stumbling and nervous laughter. The polite, "I just met you, so I'm being safe" voice. It all turned out well. There was as much underlying the surface of our first meeting as I had intuited.

It was a longish drive up, and the last few miles were on muddy dirt roads. Mud season is treacherous in parts of New England. The early Spring thaws make mire out of the unpaved roads and they're often impassable. That's why we postponed the visit from last week. I made it all right but had to go very slowly over the tire-sucking mush and deep ruts.

Eagle currently dwells in a tiny, loft cabin on some friends' property, without plumbing. Electricity is rationed out from a car battery that has to be recharged every couple of weeks. It's not ideal, but in this transitional phase it works for (hir). Peeing is done in the woods. I don't know where pooing is done; maybe in the friends' house nearby, where the internet and the shower are. I didn't stay long enough to have to deal with that.

Anyway, my brain is now all bent and pulled in different ways as I try to get my intellect around this idea that gender isn't a right/left thing, but a whole spectrum in which some people feel they are somewhere in the middle, where there is no language, and often no community. Eagle started out as a boy, at least to appearances, and doesn't want to change into a girl, but won't wear men's clothes or identify fully either way. It makes for a lot of confusion. I don't know why I am welcoming this confusion but I am. I like my new (old) friend very much.

Well, there is so much more, but I'm still processing so it will wait.

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I started back around 9pm, and was so sleepy by about 25 minutes from home that I had to pull over and close my eyes for a few. Totally wiped out. It was still some time before I dragged myself to bed, and I slept deeply. Today I want to go to the town records office and see what I can find out about My House. Also must charge Reiki grids, do affirmations, shower, and get some fresh air. I feel very slow. Letting myself be slow. The back did not like the long drive, so close to Saturday's long drive. I go easy on myself.

Wes didn't get into MacDowell. It's too bad -- but, I said, maybe he'll be buying a house then and busy with that.

I hear birds singing outside; I propped the balcony door open and am getting wafts of the fresh, nearly-Spring air into the kitchen now. It gives me a sense of relief. Something is progressing; something is passing; something is emerging.