June 28, 2007

8:39 p.m.

Kripalu and After

Thursday, June 21

I am ensconced at Kripalu, the yoga retreat tucked into the Berkshires of Western Massachusetts. My bed is a little too firm, and I had the surprise of an early period tonight, but otherwise I'm well. How fun to have a period every three weeks. Especially when I'm away from home, and will have to risk losing my parking space to go out and get pads tomorrow.

Omega Institute contines to pour their millions into this facility, since taking it over a year or two ago. All the rastas and hippies who used to work in the kitchen are gone. Now, middle aged South American guys wheel the carts around. Oddly, they look just like the guys who worked the Cole Brothers Circus which I saw a couple of weeks ago. I wonder where the old garde went, though. They were here for so many years, and they always seemed so happy. Anyway, there are new carpets everywhere, another building devoted to housing where they tried to put us until we explained how much equipment we have and that it wouldn't be convenient to cart it all up the road on Saturday.

The grounds look so beautiful. They've let the large field across the road go to meadow except around the labyrinth, which has been newly landscaped with weeping cherries and daisies and irises. The little, conical evergreens within the labyrinth have grown so big since I last walked it -- maybe it's been two years now -- that I hardly recognized the place. It'll be a hedge maze eventually.

I had a great walk after dinner. There are woods trails here, thank goodness, my favorite place to be outdoors. But I walked this time down the very long driveway out to the main road. Right at the entrance to the drive, there are the ruins of an old gatehouse. They're so beautiful; the stonework is lovely and one can see inside the little house to where the chimney still stands. All the openings are covered with chicken wire and the roof is gone. I wondered about whoever worked there. Did they sleep there too? Was it a gatekeeper's cottage, with the little bathroom and all? Did he heat soup on the stove? Or did he live elsewhere in town, and just bring in a sandwich his wife made him?

From there, on down the main road toward the back driveway, with a detour through another field that goes to the lake. It was getting dark when I got to the woods though, so I turned around and headed back. By the time I arrived at the labyrinth, my last stop, I was almost back at the building, the wind was whipping up, and it was starting to sprinkle again. I saved the labyrinth walk for another time.

Because my bed is firm enough to make my arm go to sleep if I sleep on my side, I may not do my customary marathon naps this time. I'm spoiled by my bed at home.

Tuesday and Wednesday I spent in the grip of an acid stomach the like of which I haven't had for months. I might be anxious about my passport, which hasn't come yet. Our agent needs three to four weeks to process the work visa, and it's a problem if I can't give her the passport number in time. (Sorry, I may have written about this already.) Anyway, in that way in which I internalize so many things, I might be directing that panic right into my stomach. It's better today.

Friday

Thankfully, I did sleep. It's another gorgeous day, ripe for hiking. I dreamt of painting my Levis 501 jeans. First I painted a little pattern of colorful dots on the calf of the left leg. I was thinking about how that was a commitment -- to put paint on my favorite jeans. Then in another snippet, I painted a different pattern of dots on the left thigh, only when I looked at it afterwards, I saw that it looked like a big Christian cross. I was quite dismayed about this, not wanting to be taken for a Christian, not wanting people to think I was advertising a religion. I was talking to somebody -- my mother? Rose? -- about it and trying to figure out ways to intersect two lines that wouldn't represent a cross.

Then I dreamed my passport came, but the picture they used wasn't the one they took at the post office. It was an old picture of me on the beach, with an ex-boyfriend just visible behind me. Me on the beach. They had included a few other photos that they hadn't used, from the same series. I wondered how the passport agency had gotten pictures of me and an old boyfriend, when I myself had never seen these pictures.

There was some other dream that was fairly magical but I can't remember it now...

Later

Had a brief, brisk walk through the woods before lunch. It was colder than I'd figured, so I was a little chilled, even after working up a sweat. Came back, showered, had a lunch that was one of the best meals I've had here. Savory baked tofu; fingerling potatoes roasted with fresh parsley, sundried tomatoes, celery and bleu cheese; romaine and watercress salad with artichoke hearts and either red pepper dressing or cucumber dill; mushroom barley soup (which I didn't even get to); corn and bean salad; and the regular salad bar, bread bar, and fruit. I rolled back to my room like a mouse after eating the whole wheel of cheese. Now I listen to a crow squawking somewhere, and some other birds I can't identify but whose songs are as familiar to me as my own voice.

Rainclouds have teased us all day. I don't know what that will bode for a longer afternoon walk, but anyway the band should be here soon and tonight we'll have to rehearse.

The Next Week, Thursday 6/28

I pulled my books and CDs out of the local artisan's coop this week. I don't sell enough to cover dues, and they just went up. It was a good experiment. I need to work on marketing.

Also, my passport is coming on Tuesday, owing to a call Chris made to Senator Dodd's office. They managed, in one hour, to expedite it. I couldn't believe it. I am very grateful. Now our work visa will be processed in time.

I'm having these moments of clarity about being transparent to present experience. About participating without defenses, expectations, or fear. It's very hard to put into words. A state where there is still choice, but where I am permeable to whatever is unfolding -- I am awake, awed, open, accessible. I don't have to operate based on some trouble that happened in the past. I guess this is some version of "here now." It's very interesting.

I don't know if this has anything at all to do with the rite of passage I went through today, which was buying condoms for the first time in my life. That may seem a little ridiculous, but for me it was a very big deal. I've been a steady boyfriend kind of woman for many years, and until recently have been on the pill. I felt a little like a miscreant, and even had to face the teenage checkout guy. It's not that I've never used them; I've just never taken the initiative to get my own, and in longer and safe relationships didn't need them. They might languish for all I know. But I've accepted a little responsibility for my new choices. I guess that makes me a slightly different person.

Got my hair re-permed this week, and today spent four hours cleaning Rose's house because she's just too busy right now. Felt good; I cleaned it with love, cleaned things she doesn't normally dig into. She paid me, but I wanted to give it as a gift, too. The cats were companionable and cuddly. Linus, who has to get inside every box and bag that comes into the house, actually tried to lie down in my baseball cap, for which he is obviously too large. When I squatted down to replace the litter tray in the closet, he jumped up on my back. I love him.

And tomorrow we drive to Oswego.