October 17, 2008

10:26 p.m.

Lamb Stew

Oh, it was good. I ate it while watching the latest 3 episodes of Heroes on Netflix.

Dar sent me a Rats magazine that he found last month at Petco. The pictures are so CUTE. I left him a message saying I'd ordered a dozen rats, complete with cages, wheels, and a silo of kibble, and put it on his credit card.

Alas, rats require a lot of time and attention. I'm far from being able to have a pet.

Sitting around thinking about how I don't miss the band. Some moments I pretend we're not touring any more at all, to see what that feels like. Carol teases me sometimes: "Oh, come on. You'll miss us! You know you will!" "Not for some time," I say, laughing.

And, weirdly, when I went to Rose and Marc's today to set up the surprise, there was no one home and I wandered through the house a little. They have two spare bedrooms upstairs, and I wished momentarily that I was living in one of them, that I was a neice like Pearl or someone else with the right to be there. I don't really. But I observe these yearnings and I understand them. They're a pull against another pull. I'm pulling back against the road now, against the law of physics that says once you get up speed you're going to continue for some time unless you hit something. I've lifted my foot off the gas. I see the yellow kudzu in sharp relief, and the purple fall daisies along the highway. Enjoying the notion of slow. Gotta be an exit around here somewhere.

It's not like in younger years when I just quit things. I didn't much worry about next. Now I wonder, what plan is getting put into place instead of the old? A woman's gotta work.

Anyway, speaking of the surprise, Rose was actually going to a little party after work tonight. One of her office mates was holding some kind of tupperware-like event, only it wasn't tupperware. It was more like... sex toys, from what I gathered. A Ladies Only event. I don't know what Marc was going to be doing -- on this, the start of their Work-Free Zone, Anniversary Weekend. She tried to get me and Pearl to go, just for a hoot (har, I typed "just for a hot"), but I wasn't interested. No sex life these days, either with or without a partner. Nor any interest. Rose exclaimed, "Oh, I hope I never get to that point!" We haven't talked about this. My non-sex phase. Such a relief, not to be dealing with it now. There's a nugget of me that ponders whether the Will debacle of a few years ago burned something essential out of me -- but, you know, sex and I never had a longterm relationship. Sex was fine with the two very nice guys I dated post-Will, but I got tired of it after a while, just like always. Now I have no obligation, and there's something to be said for that. And, it's not like I've met anyone I even thought was attractive. Nobody's attractive any more. Were they ever, or did I just paint them so? In that way that we do.

11:11 just passed on my computer display and I asked the 11:11 angel what it all meant, but he didn't say anything.

I peeled most of my nail wrap off and I pretend I don't play the guitar.