May 11, 2008

8:55 p.m.

Questions, questions

Just when I want to start getting really lucid in dreams, facing fears, having epiphanies, none of them seems important enough to write down.

Just when I've gotten to my ideal weight, nothing seems as critical to my wellbeing as fine cheese and crackers.

In spite of these inconsistencies, I had a wonderful woods walk today, caught up on an episode of This American Life on my iPod, and made some headway with the website design. I've enlisted Chris's help; we have two days of rehearsal coming up, and he said he'd look at what I have and help me out with his vast know-how (and great software which I lack). Perhaps, after all, it will turn out just fine in spite of the energy I've put into fearing that it won't.

I think Annie's should make their whole wheat bunny crackers the size of pieces of bread. Then it would be much easier to make almond butter and strawberry-rhubarb jam sandwiches with them. Just as a parenthetical note.

In other news, my books on beginner's adult piano method and on beginner's djembe arrived. It's making me start to think about what to pack for retreat... even though it's still over a month away.

Did anyone watch the films on Pangea day?

Some nose hair or other has been bothering me for weeks. I keep thinking I've trimmed it, but then it's tickling me again. This middle age thing is so weird. So I'm sitting at the kitchen table today with a mirror propped up on a kleenex box, and a flashlight balanced on the table upright so it'll shine into my nostril, and I'm trying to find the miscreant hair and I notice an all-new contour on the side of my mouth. I mean, a pretty much permanent dent where my face is folding up. You know, it starts with smile lines and then just becomes soft folds, like a dear old dog you've had for years. It won't be long before these are really apparent. I deal privately with these revelations. They don't scare me like they used to but I feel like I have to plan for them, adjust my life-view to accommodate them.

Doing the questionnaire I made up for Carol's and my 50th-Birthday Bash and Ceremony is helping. The questions are harder to answer than I anticipated. I think they're great to think about though, no matter which birthday is at hand. Just think about these:

1) What does it mean for you to have arrived at this particular birthday?

4) What have your mentors and/or loved ones taught you? Talk about those people past and present if you wish.

5) How have you transformed from decade to decade to become who you are today?

6) What symbol(s) might represent these decades or stages in your life?

7) How is your relationship to music and performing evolving at this time?

8) If you could pass on three pieces of wisdom to those who will be carrying your "torch" in years to come, what would they be?

9) How have you affected the world or community by being who you are?

10) What do you feel or desire to learn or accomplish or do in the next five years? The next ten?

11) What does it mean to you to be an elder? In what ways are you savoring this transition? In what ways is it challenging for you? Explore the �new� that you are embracing, as well as the �old� that you are releasing.

13) What would you yourself like to realize from this ceremony? What gift can your 50th birthday celebration give to you?

14) List some adjectives that describe how you see yourself and your life at this limnal point. What foods seem symbolically appropriate to you on this occasion? For example: sweet & bitter combination; seed or egg-related food (new beginnings); chocolate (richness of life); etc.

Well, you know, the chocolate pretty much goes with every transition.

It's not even 8:30 and I'm beat. But I have to finish this questionnaire tonight, so I guess I'll get on it.