September 18, 2007

5:55 p.m.

Thoughts from Last Week

Mmmm, the hot smoothness of coffee with soymilk. Mornings are cold now. The sky is bluebell blue with not a trace of cloud in the southwest, which is the only part I can see from here.

These recent conversations with Wes, and our near-affair, have brought up some unexpectedly potent feelings and fears. Last night I thought I couldn't live with the anger any more, the unresolvedness of having ditched Will, slammed the door, and leaned on it for several years. My shoulder is tired. I proved my point, punished him, took the poison and waited for my enemy to die. I suspect friendships shouldn't end this way; it's a long time to carry that. I wanted to talk to him, just clear the air once and for all. I don't know how to get in touch except through Sig, and it was too late to call then; better that I think it over anyway. I've thought before of trying to arrange a meeting with Will. But I always cross examine my motives. It's not that I want to hang with him; I really don't. I'm just looking for a way to stop being bitter, and though I don't know what I'd say exactly, I can't think of another way to stop wondering how he is and to acknowledge that, yes, he has this different life now and so do I. Maybe it's an olive branch I want to offer. It takes a lot of energy to stay shut up.

The thing that stops me is asking: Why would he ever want to talk to me, now, after all this time? Is the worst case scenario that he just says no? What would I do with that rebuff? Would that be worse than it is now?

Life is getting shorter all the time and I don't want to carry this feeling to the other side. And something Wes said the other night has stayed with me, like a burr on my sock: "You need to love somebody, Bornearly!" I wanted to laugh at him, because it's the last thing I "need." But for someone to look at me and say that showed me something, maybe, about how I'm perceived. I realize Wes is someone who wants a relationship, wants to be married; like Rose, his worldview is founded on the relationship principal. I didn't exactly believe him, but it left me a little deflated nonetheless. You need to love someone. Sure; if there were someone appropriate and desirable, I could love him/her. There are just so many of the other kind. And I don't seem to be in an open place. That's why I think if I can find some resolution on this longstanding emotional matter, I may be more able to consider someone in my life.

Or, who knows? Maybe I won't. But maybe I'll be in less pain.

Anyway meanwhile I've been having sexual control dreams (me doing the controlling, of course) and even one of an entire roomful of guys masturbating. THAT's a new one. ('Cause, well, who wants to see that anyway?)

In other news, James is now dating someone great and it seems very promising. That nostalgia is factoring in, I'm sure, to my present state. I'm glad for him, though I feel like if he hooks up seriously with someone, an era will be over for me. Once again, he really wants a long term relationship. (What's with these people?) His son moved to England to go to school, last weekend; that means no one will be partying above the guest room, and I'll be sleeping there instead of on the airbed in James's room.

Weird, weird. For such a short life, so much happens.