September 11, 2007

6:54 p.m.

Tuesday

Wes visited last night and I told him all the conflicting feelings I'd been having about our little "plan." I kept wanting to treat it either too casually or like too big a deal. When it was too casual, I wasn't compassionately engaged; when it was a big deal, I kept asking myself what I was doing, making myself so vulnerable and going so deep with someone I wasn't in love with. At times it seemed like a perfect idea: generate passion with a trusted friend, write some songs, let intimacy back into my life. But was I letting myself get talked into something again? I said I wouldn't do that any more. Something kept telling me it wasn't right, and it noodged me until I had to listen. So, for whatever reason, I decided I couldn't do it.

We had a long talk on the couch, and he acted like the great friend he is. Friendship intact, affection unmarred. Today we go on errands together, go swimming at the gym, and pick up a file cabinet from Rose's house. I get to be really scared and brave today, facing my underwater fears. He bought me a Speedo swimming cap at Sports Authority.

Wes is on a new health regime, ostensibly inspired by me (and isn't that my job here?). He's working out all the time, eating better, and dropping a little weight. He's about 18 lbs. away from his goal. This Sunday he turns 60; it's been a source of some awe for him. We're having a combination housewarming (for the band at their new house) and birthday dinner for Wes, on Monday after rehearsal.

Bandmate Carol contracted a terrible case of poison ivy and had to go on Prednisone for 12 days. She hates it but it revved her up enough to get her running in a new way, so now she's up to 37 minutes, her personal best. (Might as well make the most of the skittery energy while she can.) I told her by the time she's weaned off the Pred, her body will be strong enough to keep up the running on its own.

My ankle is better, again; runs have been good, though I'm getting a little tired of my iPod mix. Amazing how I've completely adapted to running with music. Can anyone recommend some good songs for running? Upbeat, happy, energizing?

I had a very silly solo gig last weekend, where I drove a long way to do an opening set for a good friend, assumed he'd pay me something fair, and got neither dinner nor fee. It could have been an oversight; he's been pulling 12-hour days there, is dealing with some medical issues, selling his house. He might remember it later. But I was so stunned when the goodbyes came and he made no offer to even reimburse me for gas, that I just didn't have the words to bring it up. I would have given anyone else in the world the advice to get it in writing beforehand, even if (especially if) it's a friend; now I get to give it to myself.

Anyway, the jasmine is blooming, it's a cool, damp day, and I have much to do.

********

Evening. Veggie burger, leftover Annie's mac & cheese, broccoli.

Check arrived in the mail today from my friend; more than I thought, originally, that I would get paid. So much for my little rant. Wes and I drove 45 minutes to pick up a free file cabinet, in pouring rain; went to Guitar Center for a strap, Sports Authority to return an item, DWS Shoes to look around, Circuit City so he could get a little digital voice recorder. By then I was really hungry and no longer wanted to face the swimming pool. So we came back here, via the farm stand to get apples and vegetables, and brought the file cabinet up. He then went on to the gym and I had a late lunch at home. I wanted nothing so much as a nap afterwards, but thought I ought to get the file cabinet into the office.

My office is in a walk-in closet. There isn't much room; my files were bursting all over the floor. Hence the additional 2-drawer cabinet. There isn't floor space enough for two, but they can stack. The new one has casters, and the one I have had in here does not. So the new one had to go on the bottom. You know what that means.

Take everything out of the office/closet that will be in the way of the incoming cabinet. Remove all files from old cabinet (because drawers don't come out); spread these on bedroom floor. Decide to purge some old files while at it, before removing old cabinet. Sit on floor in closet reading folders of old emails from a former era of life. Find emails from mother who passed five years ago. Reread family history that forgot. Do this for an hour. Get nostalgic and call up an old friend. Leave a message. Go back into closet. Find obsolete band photos (wrong hair, now) and old songs folder. Take all old passports out, put them side by side and look at all pictures. Examine whether really look older now than in 1984, and by how much. Rehang Christmas lights and redistribute photos around office. Clean candle holders; reinstall candles. Find ticket stubs and work visa from England. Make scrapbook pile. Etc.

Eventually I got back around to the file cabinets. Got both in, in the right order, and cleaned up a few piles of paper and debris. Reorganized the little bookshelf. Did not know what to do with all the unwrapped, broken-case CDs. Put them back in the same pile I put them in the last time I looked at them and didn't know what to do with them. Found some old cheater glasses I thought had been lost for a year. Purged a few files. Organized all the reams of special paper I use for bookmaking. YES! Now there is a bit more space and all is well, except for the old inkjet printer on my bed that I don't know what to do with. Anybody want to come get it?

Reward: Annie's whole wheat pasta, really good veg burger. Wine. 3 Blind Moose, merlot. Try it; it's good. If there were a brownie sundae here I'd probably eat it, but there isn't.

I got up very early this morning, to start all these errands. I think I'll sleep in tomorrow. Thursday, I get to go to Boston to see Dar in Man of La Mancha (which we are dubbing, Mouse of La Munchie) -- it's the first time I've seen him since a few weeks before England. Friday, I'm taking myself out on an artist's date which I'm telling no one about -- a music festival nearby, where someone I know is playing. Meanwhile Dar left me this rodent message today:

Squeakity Squeakity Squeal,
The mouse ran on the wheel.
She ran so fast
that a moment passed
and she ended up snout over heel.