July 30, 2006

11:52 p.m.

Hot Enough to Fry an Egg on My Ass

Yes, we're having a heat wave, and no, my orchids don't like it.

We played at the big yoga center, which was taken over last year by the Omega Institute. Their marketing is working, because it's crammed with people now, which makes it a little less relaxing to be there. I only stayed one overnight (we're allowed three) owing to just being too busy this week. Met someone there who heard me playing my guitar softly in the room next to his, and he came to the concert and bought one of my solo CDs. "Which one sounds most like what I heard through the wall today?" he asked. He was the kind of cute that I don't often see; set my heart a-thumping. I suppose it's as well that he's from Texas.

And it's hot; did I mention that? Bloody hot. Fucking can't-sleep hot.

And still the confusion about James. I certainly like him. But, blah blah blah, everything I've already said. It's bugging me. I couldn't wait to see him, the whole time in the midwest. Now, what's up? I'm doubting myself again. Or I'm concerned that he'll become more ardent than I am, and that kind of imbalance makes me uncomfortable. But he's shown no sign of that. Why don't I just relax and stop making trouble where there isn't any? How about trusting in guidance? Is it just so hot that I'm a little out of my mind?

I ate a chocolate muffin today. Wheat, sugar, probably dairy. It was delicious and made me feel like a total dumpling. Mustn't let this become a trend. But I'm anxious and testy and I want COMFORT. And it was goooooood. Chooooooocolate. With melty chips inside.

And I read a great deal, and grocery shopped, and made other, healthier food for myself. And unpacked. That's all I did besides trying to manage air flow in the hot apartment, and cool certain sections at a time. And think about James, and whether it was a good idea that we had sex last week. Yes, we did. Really couldn't keep our hands off each other. That's an unfortunate effect of living far apart, I think, and communicating a lot but not seeing each other that often. I don't regret the choice, because we had to know about that part of each other. But somehow it has made me a little sad. I simply cannot pinpoint why. Hey, at least I waited until a few dates into the relationship this time. It was good to hold someone, and be held. But, notice I said, "someone," and not "him." Is that too telling? Is he an icon, or is he James?

I think part of it is that on some level I really am looking for Mr. Longterm, and I do not take the nurturing of a relationship, or what we did last week, lightly. I wondered if I went too hastily into sex -- but I really needed that intimacy, and if I'm going to explore what is possible with James, it's got to include that. So, what's my problem?

So I must be all awake and thrumming and giving out a vibe, I guess, because this guy leaves me a note on my door at Kripalu, asking if I have CDs, and then comes to the concert, and I think, "Two months ago I'd have been so closed to this," and I recognize that he's cute as heck and really looking at me, and I'm finding it good, and how ironic that is. Be careful when you open your heart to love, lasses. Once again the Reiki affirmation proves its power. Guys coming out of the woodwork. Looking at me and smiling, leaving me their phone numbers. It's a brand new world.

So anyway, we're having this heat wave for a few days, and I just hope I can keep comfortable here. The neighbors, whose pool turned green again already until they changed out the water, haven't been swimming much, it seems. I don't know if the kids are away at camp or if the bloom is off the rose, but the pool does not seem to have the allure it had last year.

I also made James two mix CDs, one of my favorite women artists, and the other my favorite men artists. I'm pretty sure he hasn't heard (oh no, I typed "heart") any of them before. I liked them so much I made copies for myself.

And now I have to put the a/c back on. It's... well, what I said. Hot.