December 29, 2005

8:48 p.m.

Waiting for Inspiration

I have this vague, back of the mind feeling that I was supposed to write another song while staying home this week, but I can't be sure. I shouldn't be singing, but the time is a gift and have I done the right things with it? I've cast around for inspiration but no ideas have come. Nothing else about the Will lessons to talk about right now. Yet there's something brewing, I feel it. I've been my usual contented at day, melancholy at night, taking my echinacea and zinc and teas, wondering if something wants to come out. Funny how sometimes things just tumble out a lot for days, and other times it's kind of quiet in there.

I think I'm listening.

Tomorrow I want to set up my Reiki table again and have it out so I'll get on it more. I did use the stepper today, and the abs rocker. Watched a movie, knitted, read. Talked too much on the phone. Steve went to the doctor for some tests today, based on having collapsed on Christmas day at his friend's house. There is some speculation that it might be somehow related to his aortic blowout and subsequent surgery of several years ago, but on the other hand it might be just a fluke that won't be repeated. He feels fine now. Results will take some days to come in.

The phone and DSL were actually out of service this morning when I got up. I put in a repair call to the automated menu, and sometime in the afternoon the dial tone was back. A couple of hours later the technician arrived at my street and called me, surprised that it was working. I thanked him for fixing the line, but gradually realized that, to his knowledge at least, no one had come out before this. Spontaneous regeneration of phone service. I like this company.

My eating schedule is all off. I think this breakfast, lunch and dinner thing is just not right for everyone. I want no lunch, but I want dinner by 3:00. In the evening I just want a sundae, or perhaps some broccolini and banana bread. Then late at night I feel all undernourished and hungry and it's too late for a meal. Staying home and behaving according to my own whim reaps such deviations.

But I did discover Stonewall Kitchen Bittersweet Chocolate Sauce, and is it seductive. Heat it and it's runny and dark and sensuous; let it cool and it becomes chewy, like the inside of a barely-done brownie.

Lungs are relatively the same, except I'm one day closer to health. Tomorrow, perhaps more of the same as today except I should grocery shop. I could do this all winter. Is it dismaying that I can be so motivated to just stay home and let the day unfold as it will? Content to be ambitionless, without drive or any need to contribute to my community? This amiable relationship with free time -- are we ever able to fully cultivate it? I think I should sit and think about this some more.