June 22, 2005

8:14 p.m.

The Eve of Philly

Okay, I'm more or less stable now after reading poolagirl's entry about the dog. I'm doing distance Reiki on a doggie that has already died. It may seem ludicrous but I still think it helps. Rather than expound on how unfathomable cruelty is and what my lower nature would like to do to the perpetrators, I'll just say that our hearts break every day at what some people do to people and other creatures. The more sensitive among us are at greatest risk for not being able to cope. All we can do is try to heal and heal, in whatever small or big ways we're able. Just try to be kind and heal wherever you go. Even if you're in a funk, remember to be kind. Okay?

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Steve and I had a nice visit, again. I made dinner and we went to see Batman Begins, which had gotten a lot of hype and some good press. We found some basic flaws but I liked the gadgets and special effects. Don't know if I'd go see the sequels, and there surely will be some. We also took a short walk at a local state park, and the weather was beautiful. We stood at the edge of a pond and he told me about how his father (who was generally unpleasant and drunk) had a cabin on a lake and they used to go there in the summer. Steve loved it so much -- in fact, loved his childhood thoroughly even though life at home wasn't so great. But there was always refuge in nature and plenty of places to play outside. I think that's what made him such a nice person instead of getting all messed up by domestic fuckwitity.

A couple of Reiki sessions, some conversation, a little hanky panky and a waffle breakfast later, he was on his way home. I'm reminded that I like visiting with him in person better than talking on the phone most of the time. Our dates will still be sporadic for the next month or two. I was going to talk about the moving-in issue, tell him that I was pretty clear that I should stay here and not move to his house next year or whenever. But he went to a clairvoyant reader on his way to my house yesterday and had a very profound and emotionally draining experience so I didn't really want to get into it yet. I have a feeling, though, that it's not going to be all that heavy a conversation for some reason. It's not like much is going to change besides a long term picture of us living together. Well, I guess that means our being a couple forever is also up in the air, but as it's only been short of 6 months who can make a decision about that anyway?

So I have to pack tonight for Philadelphia. Then a festival on Friday. We had a concert Saturday that has been cancelled because the nimrod FORGOT he had booked us to play on his boat at his 40th birthday party. Forgot. He. Booked. Us. For a lot of money. On a Saturday night that we would otherwise have booked elsewhere for a lot of money. So, we'll stay at the Friday festival in PA for a bit longer, hang out and then drive home and be back probably before dark Saturday. Saturday night at home! I can dig it! And I don't even have a date.

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I miss Rose and Mike. They're still in Peru. Examining relics in Machu Picchu, no doubt.

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Dar is in the final stages of buying the commercial cleaning business for which he's worked for what, fifteen years. Lawyers are going over contracts now, and he's learning about insurance and workman's comp and liability, and let's not forget major loanage. It's very exciting. He asked me if I'd like a little job keeping client records and invoicing, and of course I said yes right away because it wouldn't take all that much time and I can do it from here. It's now advantageous that Dar has never gotten a computer! But I think I'd better learn Quicken or something.

Isn't it funny, though... one of the tenets of Reiki, one of the five things a practitioner affirms every day is that she will not worry.* Historically, I worry about money like a champion. I can money-worry on par with anyone you can name. My lifestyle pretty much involves living near the bone unless there's a windfall. The expenses of touring are staggering, especially gas. But when I started this healing path I decided that if I had to vow not to worry, or at least to try not to worry, I would do it on all counts, and in fact I have been measurably less worried about going broke on a daily basis. I've tried instead to put my energy into planning ways to make more money eventually (and it is hoped that those things will take effect before I'm unable to pay the rent), and hm. Things seem to be falling into place somehow. Not yet, but there are signs. The poetry book will be published soon, and the band will let me put it out at gigs with the CDs. In a few months I'll be able to start charging for Reiki sessions. And probably before summer is out I'll have this little extra part time job helping Dar, which won't be any problem at all and I'm even glad to do it. And none of these things will require me to cancel any gigs.

* Worry: I don't know where this quote came from, but someone wise said, "If there is a problem and you've done everything you can, there is no point in worrying about it. And if there is a problem for which you can do nothing, there is no point in worrying about it."

So if I realize that right now I'm okay, there really isn't a problem. I can still plan to avert disaster, but the now just doesn't have to be so frantic.

I've been looking for a long time for a way to live from a place of enough, rather than a place of lack. It's been a long search.

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I still think of Will sometimes. I'm less attached to it emotionally, but I do have an idle curiosity about how he is. Today as I was moving the little fan in the living room and preparing to eat dinner, I felt so good about being in my home and loving it here and I can't remember exactly how it came up -- some mental segue -- but the quiet question of forgiveness came up again, maybe about Will. And just like that I thought, "Okay, sure; I forgive you. And I forgive you, too, and you." And there was Will and Ed and my father, and I spoke it in my mind without the other thing coming up where I say, "Not yet." And I always thought it would be more of an event, like during meditation or with some ritual, but it was just in a passing moment like that. Like, why shouldn't it just happen in an instant? Life comes in an instant. Neutrinos disappear in an instant. Why should the dividing line between darkness and satori be any less fine than an immeasurable moment?

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Other things go on as usual. I water my plants, I keep the apartment cool. I've been successful, finally, at getting off excess sugar. I've been a brownie whore, I confess. But the last few trips I've almost not had any desserts and, thankfully, I've been able to cook for myself at home more.

All right, all right, I'll pack. It's just two overnights. I'll see you when I get back, and remember to be nice to each other.