January 07, 2004

10:26 a.m.

Movie Day

Oooh goody goody, everybody on my favorites list has updated. AND I got some notes from new strangers whose diaries I can now pillage. But, just now, I don't have time to go rooting around in their personal lives. Dar and I have a Play Day today, so I'll use what time I have to a) catch up on my own entry, and b) have some of my own special and really exquisite coffee.*

*I drink Medaglia D'Oro, mostly decaf at this point, although today I'm giving myself a little ratio of caffiene. D'Oro is an espresso so it has that dark, earthy taste, but I make it at just a "strong coffee" level rather than the full-out espresso. I make them individually with a Melitta one-cup filter. (In a huge mug that I bought in Aiken, SC when we were touring the south a few months ago. It's hand thrown and has a cute lion crawling up the handle, and when the mug is full enough, he looks like he's drinking. I only have to be careful, drinking the lower half, that I don't stab myself in the eye with his ears.) I've weaned myself off the honey I used to add, but I do use enough soy milk to make it really light.

Back to the program -- Dar is an actor in Boston, and he's been in so many shows lately that I've hardly seen him for a few months. So today we're going to see Lord of the Rings (throughout which I will weep copiously, I predict), visit my favorite wine store to try to find more of the dangerous, dream-producing Stone Horse I had this week, and go out to dinner, which will likely include my Indian neighbor. Going out with the two of them is a low-responsibility night for me, as they're SO silly together (one of them is 24, the other 60) that it's really like watching the 2 Stooges -- all I have to do is sit back and witness the absurdity.

But I need to talk with Dar about some serious things, and I don't know how to begin. We've been friends for five or six years, and part of that time we were pretty much dating, and occasionally getting naked together, but for a long time (maybe between two and three years?) it's evolved back to that friends state, because a) we live far apart and sometimes don't see each other very often, and b) I fell on my head over the bass player and was emotionally consumed with that for a long time (and Dar, more or less, knows more or less everything about that, more or less), and c) I stopped feeling physically desirous towards him and although he could have questioned it, he never has.

I never know exactly where we stand or what his hopes/ expectations are. I've tried to bring it up a couple of times, but he just says that time will tell us what we're supposed to be. That seems all very philosophical and accepting but I still get the vibe that he'd like to go back to the intimate part, and would in a moment if I seemed willing. Trouble is, once I felt the scope of passion that tore me up over Will, I realized that nothing I'd felt for Dar ever came close. And it was no longer good enough. Dar and I grew to love each other -- I never fell for him. So, what if I feel that for someone again? I think I'm holding out for it now.

To complicate matters, Dar re-e-eally wants to help me get a house. He's taken out a line of credit on his Florida property to provide me with a down payment. Knowing me I'd never be able to pay this back (don't even ask about the debt I'm in over my last solo album), and he's willing to just invest in me, but at what cost? Darwin, whaddaya want, anyway?

And even if he wants nothing (in the way of l/t relationship), am I the kind of grubbing, greedy adolescent who would allow someone to buy me a freakin' house?

(Flashback to earliest memory of Dad. I'm five or six, the youngest child. He's come home from TDY in his Air Force blues. I've been waiting for him. I run up to him yelling, "Daddy!" in my little voice, knowing there must be something in his pocket. He sweeps me up into his arms. "What did you bring me?")

From the start, Darwin was a huge supporter of my music. In fact that's how we became friends. We'd done a play together one year, and then lost touch until my roommate gave him my demo tape. He called, we started a phone relationship. We got together. I was still recovering from foot surgery, so I was limping and my sneakers no longer fit, because my feet were a different shape now. We met in Lexington, where I'd gone to high school. I waited for him on the town green. By the time he walked up, my feet were hurting so badly I could hardly walk in my old shoes. We laughed about it and he made fun of me and I said, "You know, I just don't have any money. Would you buy me some shoes? I'll pay you back!" And he did. (And I believe I did, too.)

(Sigh.)

That was only the start. I do write him random checks when I have any money to spare. But the balance is wa-a-a-ay uneven.

I fear more of this will have to wait. I'll tell you later how he's been a huge supporter of the band, a fan-gatherer, a music-sharer, a networker supreme. How we always have a good time and laugh and share all those really private jokes that you have to have been in on from the start to appreciate. How he's an information sponge and loves NPR and books and can talk intelligently about almost anything. How my sister Rose LOVES him, no, LERVES him, and told me that even if we never get married, he'll always be her brother in law.

But, Dar just called from the road and will be here shortly so I have to shower right now. I'm taking all my angst and unresolved issues and my fear of confrontation, and I'm going to shampoo them so we can go to the movies.