December 26, 2007

4:50 p.m.

The Comfort Zone

I've made a couple of private entries this week; didn't want to share with the class or speak out loud. New levels of hibernation. Had a lovely Christmas with the family and Dar.

Overdue conversations with Dar and with James have lifted my spirits a bit; Christmas Eve was weepy. I do think it's part of a process, though, so am riding it out in some kind of faith that it will become clear. Meanwhile, I'm seeking out food in the comfort zone that does not violate either cholestorol or weight-maintenance guidelines, both of which have gone out the window recently.

Tonight's ground turkey and whole grain pasta extravaganza, I must admit, fell short of expectations.

My bloodwork last month indicated that my LDLs were higher than last year, and while still in the "acceptable" range, they're near the top. I'm trying to do what I can to make sure they stay in there. Hence my quest for a lowfat or fat-free cheese that doesn't taste like ASS. Two strikes so far. Rose had a suggestion I'll try next time.

Got the snow tires put on today and then went to the gym, running finally just over half of the 35 minutes I spent going around the track. Lots of people there today! Parents with kids. I love seeing kids run around the track, willy-nilly. They always smile a little self-consciously, like running is fun and they know people might be looking at them.

My joints feel fine so far, praise the Goddess and Reiki and whoever else is responsible. Oh, maybe me. For not running too much.

I sit and listen to a Brazilian music mix James made for me when we were first dating. It's mellow even when it's peppy. My bandmates returned from Florida today, so things will begin to pick up soon. Sigh. I am reminded of what my Reiki teacher always says: "Expect nothing; welcome everything." As heavy as these doldrums have been, I am reluctant to see the downtime end. And after working on a jigsaw puzzle for about two and a half hours last night at Rose's, it's ALL I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW. Gimme some more pieces to find. Must find a post-holiday sale of jigsaw puzzles.

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The last two nights I've slept backwards on the bed. I think it is important not to get into a rut. However, that is not the primary reason why I have turned myself around. I just can't turn the mattress over by myself, and there has been no one to help me for more months than I can remember. The top half is softer than the bottom half. Ergo, sleep reversal. The pillows are at the feet, with a dangerous dropoff now just beyond my head, where I might lose a pillow or an alarm clock or a white noise machine or a pair of earplugs at any time. My feet are at the headboard, where I must be careful to tuck the sheet in loosely lest I consign my toes to nocturnal strangulation. It's been a bit odd.

However, one thing I've enjoyed is bobbing up gently from almost-sleep and not remembering which way I'm facing. I'll have a picture, behind my closed eyes, of being in the room the old way, and suddenly everything will switch around with a start. I'm sure this must be good for some part of the brain that doesn't get used very much by those of us who walk around with our eyes open.

Another thing in favor of this arrangement is that the bed is very easy to make. There is nothing to impede the pulling up of covers -- no wall, no furniture. Why, I could play some cricket sounds and pretend I'm sleeping under the stars.

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Okay. I just discovered www.jigzone.com, where you can do jigsaw puzzles online for free. I'm very happy.