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Mid-January, Rain - January 13, 2012
Almost Midwinter - December 14, 2011
Saturday, Noonish, Sunny - November 05, 2011
October, White - October 31, 2011
October, 2011 - October 04, 2011


August 06, 2011

9:08 a.m.

Radar

It's a beautiful, sunny, still day, and I'm listening to a distant mourning dove out the window and enjoying a breakfast of non-local fruits and domestic yogurt. I've had early days this week, as Rose and Karl are on vacation (hooray for them! Romantic nights! Fishing! Blueberry picking!) and I've been caring for the chickens and the cats next door. I've also been watering gardens and mucking chicken poo and whatnot. It's been mostly smooth, and I've gotten to keep the couple of dozen eggs I've collected. Around all that, within this house and in my heart, on the grounds and in my sleeping and waking, life has gotten very interesting, indeed.

(A note here: My guy whom I've been calling Teller is now so much more than someone who works at a bank that the name is no longer fitting. I'm compelled to call him Radar for a couple of reasons, so Radar he is. My R@dar Detector.)

Where to start... how about with the relentless cramps I am now experiencing with the first pill-induced period? They were so sporadic the last eight or nine months, I'd conveniently forgotten how uncomfortable they could be. But, man. Let's just say the whole works down there is way out of whack, and it's hard to tell one kind of pain from another at the moment. I guess I should try to feel younger or something... but, damn. My ovaries are screaming.

The tradeoff of having blissful, slow, garden-of-delight sex up to several times a week is completely worth it, however. Radar is turning out to be quite a remarkable lover, really paying attention and learning every time what works for me. If my belly were not a mass of pain right now I'd be enjoying these thoughts. But, holy COW, what the FUCK! OW!!! I'm birthing an ALIEN!!!!

Okay, enough of that.

I bemoan how little I get done here, between being madly busy and madly unmotivated. He says, "Is it all right if I come here several times a week? Each time you could give me a task to do; then gradually all these things would get done." So I put a dry erase board on the kitchen door and made a list which we will systematically eliminate, small and large projects alike. I feed him; he is spoiled from the excellent eggs, cannot eat store bought eggs any more. He eats green beans directly out of the garden, his favorite thing. He goes down into the woods and retrieves the giant extension ladder I could not bring back up the hill after rescuing Smidge from a tall, limbless tree by myself. He mows all the lawns. He digs a hole for the new hibiscus. He helps me put my heavy bed frame together, finally, after being here 2 years sleeping on a mattress on the floor. We move furniture. We exclaim over the light in the house, how it moves, wakes us up. He passes by the jasmine plant that has one lone bloom on it and stops suddenly and says, "What is that incredible smell?" I tell him how the jasmine reaches all the way across the room, and that's why I like them. He cooks for me (chef for 10 years!) and gets frustrated over the disorganized state of the pantry. Eight cabinets must still be steam-cleaned and deep-scrubbed before they're usable. I put it on the dry erase board.

I clear out a shelf in the armoire for his overnight things, and get another towel rack so we can both hang our towels and they will still dry, in this humid season. I have never done either of these things for a lover before.

Last night we talked about prophetic dreams about each other, out of body experiences we've had. He's the first person I've been with who has a spiritual system similar to my own, and it's nice to discover things in which we both believe.

Let me at least try to move on to the next topic.

Snow has broken up with her eH@rm0ny boyfriend. I think she was the only one who couldn't see, towards the beginning, that there were points of incompatibility that were going to break the deal. She knows she rushed in; it's what she does. And the breakup makes sense to her in some ways. But he's moved on and she's still struggling to. He didn't want a face to face meeting to exchange their stuff; she wanted a last embrace, a reassurance that she meant something to him. I told her she wasn't going to get what she wanted from the meeting; she had to find another way to get closure. She finally left his stuff on his porch. Today she's having a little friends gathering that Radar and I are attending. I think it'll do her good.

In food news, I am going to start making artisan bread soon, the kind you leave the dough out overnight for slow developing instead of kneading it, and I'm terribly excited about it. I also ordered kefir grains from a lady in Ohio who grows and markets them, and I will make my own kefir. Radar drinks gallons of milk a week, and he loves yogurt, so I'm not in danger of making too much. Inching toward self sufficiency here, on the homestead, in times when the world is so uncertain and shaky. A fall project will be expanding the raised bed area to two beds plus room for the potato bags.

I am having fewer "stress flashbacks" of being on the road these days. Some weeks a couple; some not at all. A momentary memory of being in an airport or a hotel, all that discomfort and then the flood of relief that I'm not doing that any more. I think my body is slowly leaking all the stress I had to suppress in order to get through those years. Funny how I don't miss my bandmates at all.

I know there's more. But the ironing has piled up and the cramps have subsided enough to move around a little, and I have thinking to do and gratitude to express as I do some little chores. Radar will come at 3:30. It's hot but breezy; maybe I can put the chainsaw to the downed tree a little more today.

Here's one reason I chose the name Radar, incidentally. This is my ex-bandmate Chris's adorable nephew, who apparently is very famous in Europe now. :) R@dar Detector Warning: This will live happily in your head for a long time.


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