August 14, 2009

12:52 p.m.

Now

It�s a small drag, having no internet at the house yet. When Marc finally put in a phone jack I felt so connected, so part of the outside world. There is a lonely feeling here at night, isolated from the potential instant connection of Skype or messaging.

I was listening to NPR at work today and they were interviewing an author who wrote a book about silence and the usefulness of silent meditations. She talked about first doing it and finding it very uncomfortable because there was nothing to distract her from dealing with whatever might come up in that silence. I often turn on the radio here at night, not knowing what else to feed my senses. But she�s right. I�m sure I have a lot going on that could be looked at, if I�d only allow it to shoulder a way in. I thought again today about authenticity, about really showing up in the moment and being the way you are. Something pointed to that today. I�d hardly eaten anything for breakfast, because I was simply too full to have anything besides fruit. I knew I�d be hungry midmorning, so I packed some snacky foods to have at break. I didn�t really have anything handy for lunch so I figured I�d go get a sandwich or something.

All well and good, until I got to work and realized I�d forgotten my lunch bag with snacks. By ten o�clock break I was really hungry. Technically break is only 15 minutes, but the big bosses weren�t in and Marc is lenient, so I drove to the bakery and got a breakfast sandwich, slipping out the door and hoping no one would notice that I was slacking for half an hour over this trip, by the time I�d waited for it, gotten back and eaten it. Really, no one cares, but I have a guilt switch about fucking off. So I slipped away and slipped back in and was eating it at my work station (devouring it, with my back to my coworker so she couldn�t see the look of greedy rapture on my face). Marc came in and said in an awestruck voice,

�Hey, that looks good!! That looks like a breakfast sandwich. Where did you get that?�

(Feigning nonchalance) �Bakery.�

(Pause)

�OH. I notice you didn�t ask anyone ELSE if THEY wanted a breakfast sandwich!�

We�ve had conversations about breakfast sandwiches before. One time Marc and I stopped on the way in and got some. And it never occurred to me to invite anyone else in on the caper this time. I was just concerned that someone would mind that I was taking off to do it.

Now I really did feel guilty. But I spoke honestly, and said that I didn�t want anyone getting on my back for taking extra time at break, and he rolled his eyes and said, �Yeah, since no one EVER does that around here!�

So I had this whole story going on, this little private scenario where I had to be sneaky, and I really didn�t have to at all. And it would have been much more fun to get egg sandwiches all around, and have us all sitting around eating them. I felt I hadn�t really shown up for the moment.

I spent most of the day finishing up testing on, and beginning a new batch of, the large boards I started out this job with. These are the last ones of this kind that we�ll make. I have some nostalgia for them. Testing the last batch turned up some elementary but dumb errors on my part � unsoldered pins, a chip in backwards. I�ll be more careful on this last batch of five. My goal is to have NO errors in assembly or soldering.

Anyway it�ll keep me busy through next week.

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It was rainy all afternoon and on the way home, so we decided to forego working in the yard and the trench � but of course it doesn�t seem to have rained a drop since we came home. Oh well. Marc and Rose need an evening to themselves anyway. I hope they got all snuggly or watched something good on the telly.

********

I hung a couple of curtain panels in the kitchen and pantry. It�s definitely silk purse out of sow�s ear in there, but it somewhat hides the tired, sad, spotty, window casements. Then I broke down several cardboard boxes in which recent purchases have come, to put out to recycling. Tomorrow I have to make a potential space for a sofa, in case Rose and I go get more free furniture.

Right now the crickets chirping outside are putting me into a trance. Thursdays are nights when I could stay up later, but I�m so sleepy I might go to bed in a few minutes.