June 10, 2009

6:31 p.m.

Big, Round, Orange

Oh, my poor friend Joan. I got a further email from her today about the breakup. Apparently, despite years of protestations to the contrary, her ex-to-be has never respected her choice of an acting career after all. It's sporadic and chancey and comes and goes like the moon -- just like the music business. She's way in debt again, the house has been too expensive for them both, and he feels that she's just coasting, not committing to her life. She's beating herself up in a big way over having followed the dream all these years and never making it big.

I feel for her to the point of tears. Underneath that, in the more curious, intellectual place, it sparks a tangent dialogue (me talking with myself) about my own "career." My conversation is easier than hers; I really have no ambition left regarding the music business -- if I had any -- I just wanted to play a good gig and get by, really -- and I continued to fulfill band obligations long after I started to grow weary of the nuts and bolts (and diodes and resistors) of touring. It's coming clear to me that I very successfully ignored my heart the last couple of years out of that feeling of "must please everyone especially the band." I am nurturing the courage to please myself, to heal myself. It feels like a long lost friend, coming home.

But Natty has never left her acting dream behind. The theatre world is rarely accommodating to those who aspire to succeed in it; everybody knows that. If you make it they can give you kudos for sticking it out and believing in yourself. If you continue to not make it, year after debt-ridden year, then you're just an irresponsible loser who didn't know better than to get a job. But that's the risk every artist takes. I know Natty's work and personality, and she's no schlock. But now, with no prospects, no money to even go to the city to audition, finance charges up the wazoo and now a relationship falling apart, there's no way for her to respond with dignity when her boyfriend says, "You're 48 and making $11 an hour in retail, when you're not on unemployment. That's not a career."

Hard times.

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Salmon burgers, sweet potatoes and fresh steamed peas. I know I keep talking about gratitude, but it's so big right now. The way the moon looks so large when it first comes up. (Like a big salmon burger in the sky.)