February 03, 2009

2:53 p.m.

My Heart's All Broken

...by a little black dog at the Humane Society. Carol wanted to show us a certain (other) dog, which she saw yesterday when there with her mom. I don't know why they'd gone there; no one's in the market for another animal. But we went, and I saw this one, and I don't know if I'll ever recover. It's a shattering thing, to suddenly realize how empty you are (and have been) while a soft, hopeful, perfect black doggie muzzle is pressed against your fingers through chicken wire.

We went out for sushi, which didn't fill the emptiness, and then came home and I had chocolate cake, which didn't fill it either. Now I'm sitting watching my hands bubble and feeling forlorn.

There is nothing in the world that has ever made me think, "I'll change my whole life around for this." And I don't really want a dog; my living arrangements and my traveling lifestyle don't allow for one, period. I don't want to get up early and walk a dog. I can't afford to care for one. The crushing thing I realized, though, is that I need a dog. I have a deep, fathomless, hollow, echoing need to rent a car and drive that dog back to Connecticut and explain to my landlady why I have to keep it, and then move heaven and earth to make a home for it because it will mend my ragged heart and give me something of significance to love.

I am very sad today.