Nov. 6, Cloudy with Wind

11:53 a.m.

Dinner, Family

Darwin arrived around 3:30 -- later than I'd hoped, but he always has to get work out of the way. We had tea and talked about the election -- he'd been listening to the aftermath on the radio all day and was full of things to say about it.

He'd brought his laptop and printer with him so that I could help him install the printer, so we got into that for the rest of the time until we had to leave. I also showed him how to copy a CD with his new combo drive, and how to make a document in Word and print it out. By then his brain was full and he said he couldn't remember even the first thing I'd showed him. I pointed out how there was always a window that would come up telling him what to do next. I wish I could be with him more often for shorter lessons but, alas, this is what we're given right now.

So we went over to Rose and Marc's in the dark of early evening. It was too bad he couldn't see the yard, but the house was impressive enough. He was given the tour and then he and M. sat in the living room talking about pellet stoves and the virtues of corn and so forth while Rose and I dished up the distinctly Amish dinner she'd created. It was quite a great feast, there in their dining room added in 1901, with the heavy beams across the ceiling and the walls needing paint and the wires where the overhead light will be. We laughed and laughed.

Pearl was with her boyfriend for about the 5th day, so they hadn't seen her all week. They don't much approve of her being with him. He's 30, living with his parents and not getting a job. I think he did work for UPS once for 3 weeks. But he's largely paralyzed emotionally and unable to move out of the inertia that is his life. We supposed that this is a safe place for Pearl to be because she is unchallenged, and has difficulties of her own, having come out of a highly abusive family situation (which is why she lives with her uncle). Tough to work out, all that.

Of course Dar had to drive back last night, so after he left I found his spare printer cartridges which we hadn't packed back into the printer box, and the Roches CD that I was supposed to return to him still on the table. And he'd accidentally made off with a little extension cord I need. So our things got intertwined in such a short time. How odd that is for me, who is so seldom affected by the movements of other people in my space.

The whole event did cause me to vaccuum most of the apartment, which made me feel much better. Then I had actual cheesecake for dessert last night, and though I felt perfectly fine when I got home, I went and had something else sweet on top of that, all the while observing how sugar madness comes over me and I choose badly on purpose knowing full well what I'm doing -- and that tipped me over a little. I feel pretty okay this morning except I woke up depressed and negative. It's not that I haven't learned this lesson yet; I just haven't applied the wisdom. There is this question, "What will I go through if I don't give in to the sugar cravings, and then how long will they go on?" I know I've gone off sugar before. How did I do it? I absolutely have to get this under control. I have to move into a different space around sweet. It's not a weight issue, I'm not diabetic -- but I think I'm sabotaging my overall healing with it. It's a poison, you know.

Anyway I think I'm a little down about having to leave again tomorrow, too. But today I pack, slowly, thoughtfully, readying myself for a week and a half.