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Mid-January, Rain - January 13, 2012
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Saturday, Noonish, Sunny - November 05, 2011
October, White - October 31, 2011
October, 2011 - October 04, 2011


October 24, 2008

7:44 p.m.

A-Musements

Hee hee, what fun to read Poolagirl's and Cocobean's adventures on their very bizarre and (I'm sure) UFO-related adventures. Nice to see pictures of everyone, too.

I am looking at a very lovely bouquet of fall flowers that I purchased at the grocery store, and placed in a big apple pitcher on my kitchen table. They're quite cheery in here, not to mention color coordinated.

I was cheery myself today, for the most part, except for late afternoon when I got very testy in traffic and when I had no luck finding new sneakers. I went a long way to try to find new sneakers, and none of them fit right. And how come, at this time of year, most of the sneakers still have mesh tops? We're in New England, people. It's going to snow and rain and be inclement. I need all-leather uppers, please. And not just four or five choices that don't fit, but give me many so that a couple might. It makes me mad, this whole shoe and bra thing. Why is it so fucking hard to get shoes and bras that fit?

It maketh me to eat chocolate.

********

My friend Red, in Austin, had the insight today to email me inquiring as to the possibility that any of my current difficulties, physical or otherwise, might stem from the fact that, long ago, I was in love with Carol and was basically, in a nice way, rejected after a very brief, experimental fling. And that, after five years or so of separation, we since have been touring for seven years as a band. Me, with her. And her husband.

My initial reaction was no, but it's very possible that there is some dynamic left over from that, that is contributing to my tiredness around the band. It is true that it's a source of relief to me that we never got together as a couple. I saw a long time ago, in that way that hindsight is 20-20, that we wouldn't have lasted as a couple even if she'd been into it. Regardless of how I classified my infatuation with her or how much power I gave it at the time, we weren't compatible. I probably wouldn't have liked the person I'd have become with her. And, ultimately, I may not have liked her.

And the things that drive me crazy about her -- they also drive Chris crazy. But because the basis of their relationship is a committed one, he filters them in such a way that he can accept them. I don't have to do that. I've been in a relationship where I had to do a lot of processing in order to accept, to tolerate, to forgive. Thank GOD I'm no longer in that position. And when Chris drives me crazy, I think, "Well, Carol is the one who has to process all that so that she can live with it." Again, I feel gratitude. And I make sure to stay conscious of the things about them that I do like, and I remark on those things. How good they are at such and such. What I admire about them. I keep these conscious so that the relationships will be positive.

And meanwhile, they sometimes drive me crazy. I'm sure I do them, as well.

So I hope it's not so much about clinging anger or anything from Carol's and my brief what-if of, what, thirteen years ago, as it may be about just having proved what I needed to prove here on that level -- that we can be friends and work together -- and not having anything else to prove. And the way that I need to move on to something else every so many years, in order to be engaged in my life.

I said to Red: "I think more of it is that, given the various personalities in this band, I tend to take a back seat when there is someone a lot more assertive and decisive and (okay, pushy) than I am, in the mix. That would be Chris. He's like a border collie who always needs a job; when he doesn't have a job, he's lost, and when he has one, he does nothing but that job, with obsession and enthusiasm. When I was touring by myself I got to take charge of everything, getting my gigs, getting myself to them, managing housing, everything. Granted this was not a long period of my life. But that felt very different. I hand over a lot of the decisions to them because Margo books the gigs and Mark handles recording and website and advertising, and mostly drives. I've been the major songwriter and I do behind the scenes stuff like manage the database and the newsletter. I've felt worthy because at least half the material is mine and it helps make the band what it is. But I'm not writing now. Meanwhile I've given up a lot of my autonomy, my selfness, to this mix and when I can't get the music I want out of them, when there are more and more moments that aren't how I envisioned them no matter how I try to get them that way, I start thinking I could do this better on my own. It's almost like I've outgrown them somehow. I want to experiment in new ways, maybe using Garage Band in my little office. Start something really private and new.

"And it's not that I want to tour solo again. Neither do I want to take over any more of the tasks of this band. But. I need to regroup, without them. Without their influence, their voices talking to me, their decisions dictating what I do. You understand? I need to take something of myself back. I'm a single woman. I need to act more like one."

And so that's where I am with it on this night.

********

Rose has to have a breast biopsy. She had a benign lump removed some years ago. This is probably more of the same. It won't be til next week, and meanwhile she's going to stew and fret and be pissed off at possibilities that haven't happened yet, and may not. She wants it done NOW. Why is this happening again, she says? Why again? I learned everything I could learn from the last one! Well, except patience, I think. She doesn't have a lot of that. My dear sister.

********

Second half of "Carrington" tonight. Emma Thompson.


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