May 21, 2008

12:09 a.m.

Wednesday

Watching "Dummy" again tonight, after a few years. In the fireworks scene I suddenly became aware of my seeming done-ness with Romance, and wondered what I was trading away for (potential) Hearth and Home. I know I can somehow deviate from this path if I want to, or maybe find a way to shape it so there is Romance in my life, but I don't want to give up H&H. No way. Still, for a moment, I missed it.

Not that there was, very often or for long, Romance. It was just the thought that there might be Romance that kept me going, a lot of the time. And, even lacking the prospect of H&H with Dar, I feel remitted from all that anyway. It's why I love some movies: Adrien Brody, the perfect, innocent, awkward, heartthrobby good guy. He doesn't exist in the real world. It isn't Story out here; it's just day to day trying to get by, and learning lessons about dealing and being grateful and trying not to fear getting old. I wonder when I stopped believing in the other. I wouldn't go back to the dying I did in 2002 for anything. I wouldn't give up my friendship with Dar for anything. But sometimes I wish I could give it all up, everything, for a quiet, unobtrusive island life where I didn't need to strive for anything. No more striving. Just the ocean, the beach, finding shade, a good book. No more ambition or constant uphill struggle. No one talking me up, wanting to know if I'm available. No music making or painting or writing poetry or trying to conjure a living out of twigs. Just a new life, from scratch, with nothing in it yet.