February 27, 2008

11:52 p.m.

The Night before Leaving

I finally got to the band's house about 11:30pm. We load out early.

Dar and I talked a bit about the house tonight, as we have been wont to do, and he said he's really at least four years away from being able to consider it. This is because certain things have to happen with his biz before all that can happen. For some reason I had been thinking along the lines of two years. I know it's not up to me, and I do believe that it'll a-a-a-all turn out for the best. Still, it was disappointing.

Later I talked with James, having not spoken with him for quite a while. We had our usual great conversation, and he was glowing about the job he just got -- the job of his dreams really, one that uses all the skills he has, as a business guy and as a person -- the kind of job you can't interview someone for. They just have to be the right person. And it fits him like a glove. On top of that he's making gajillions of dollars a year now, after quite a while of panicking over bills and not really loving the job he had. What a relief.

Then I thought about him and his girlfriend and what a great setup it all is now, for them both. All his kids have moved out of the house. He can start thinking about getting one more suited to him, which he's been wanting to do for a long time. He can stop worrying about how to pay for his kids' college. Life is good.

That made me sad, too. When I was dating him his life was in constant upheaval, from the daughter's drug-addicted, thieving boyfriend to work issues... and I never felt comfortable around his kids. All those things being different, I can't say I'd have felt more strongly about him anyway -- in fact I'm sure I wouldn't have -- but I still feel in a way like my ship has passed and I never got on it. Not with him necessarily, but in general.

I work my ass off in nine different ways and I don't make a living. I cannot take charge of my future in this way. And I don't know what to do about it.

Since I have to get up and fly to Texas in six hours, I guess I should just let it go for now.