January 29, 2008

9:53 a.m.

Opaque Dreams

Scattered sleep and bad dreams. Young guys attacking me at night as I ran, barefooted, on a damp night street. I had just missed winning some competition, music maybe or something else, and had been privately told that if I had won it, my future timeline would have been changed and I'd never meet Art Garfunkel who had come upon a story I'd written years before and taken an interest in it. Missing out on something in order for something else (better?) to unfold. That was interesting but then I ran in the night, running away from hearing the other girl get all her accolades, and I was attacked. I couldn't defend myself and wasn't the least bit lucid.

Later there was the dream of being in charge of all the cats, which then turned into dogs -- my sister's cats, my father's dogs maybe -- but someone, a gang with a vendetta, broke into the house and chained them up and yanked them into a truck that was pulled by a horse that was pulled by a car that was driven by an evil, overly made-up blonde woman and they were going to drag the dogs behind it all to torture them. My brother, unexpectedly, was there, or some other male would could do a lot of damage, and we ran up the stairs after them and I shouted, "Why?? Why???" and she said, "This is -----," which word I didn't catch and didn't make sense anyway. The caravan was speeding off and this guy with me had a chain he was going to try to throw over the horse's neck. It was a hopeless situation and I was crying, once again helpless and unaware that I could have done anything that I do in dreams to thwart evil and change the course of history.

So, cramps this morning and my first class tonight about which I am overly anxious. Why? I love the idea of Celebrancy more than the actual class. I have this horrible need to shine out. I'm a slow reader and a lot of the material is dry. I have to observe ceremonies and I don't know where to find them. I feel better being physically present in a classroom, but that's not possible. Everything is bad because I slept poorly and dreamt of falling short.