November 27, 2007

12:57 a.m.

Acronyms at Night

I should go to bed. I�m tired. I�ve been in the kitchen most of the day, my new work and think station, except when I was in the cellar putting my bicycle away, or in the office working on the other computer. I kept eating tonight, thinking I hadn�t gotten what I wanted out of the day. I don�t know what I wanted. I didn�t get it.

Thankgiving made me scared to hear, or not hear, from Will. My ex bro-in-law is a different person now. I didn�t know him. We talked but it was like chipping at ice, every sentence. Will�s a different person too, and if I saw him I might well be intimidated by that. I don�t know what I would say any more. I had something to say, something to perhaps finish, but I fear being tongue-tied and making the effort useless, or embarrassing.

I cut out an interesting quote about fear recently: �Fear is an illusion. The acronym for F.E.A.R. is False Evidence Appearing as Real. Fear inter�fears� with our joy and happiness of the moment. Our fears prevent us from accessing and owning archetypal, ancestral wisdom. Once we walk through those fears, we are liberated and closer to being omnipotent, all powerful.�

Yes, my archetypal, ancestral wisdom did not seem to be in evidence on Thanksgiving, though we were civil and even laughed some. I�m still willing to walk through the particular fear of confronting Will, and hope that Artemis or someone will give me the right things to say in the moment... if that moment comes to pass. I don�t necessarily insist on being all powerful; I�d settle for all expressive, all truth. All brave.

Anyway, my stamina (or my stubbornness, whichever is at work here) is used up. Time for bed. I get to go have a free mammogram tomorrow. �Hey, this hurts!� �Yeah, but it�s FREE.�