March 22, 2006

6:11 p.m.

One Hundred Ways to Say It

HA HAAA, I just read sparkspark's entry in which she reports that she's Seeing Red, Visiting Aunt Flo, Sitting on Roses, Sledging, Parting the Red Sea, Riding the Rag, Attracting the Lesbian Vampires, Sitting with Gramps, Experiencing Muscular Turbulence, Back in the Saddle, Battling the Beast, Draining the Dregs, Driving the Red Car, Entering the No-Go Zone, B.L.A.S.P. (Bleeding like a Stuck Pig), Praying to the Bloody Mary, Too Broken to Bonk, Punctuating the Sentence, Busting the Dyke, Sluicing the Juice, Calling Code Red, Trottin' Cotton Ponies, Curing the Plague, Due for the Sweatlodge, Calling the Moon, Stacking the Sandbags, Packin' Dynamite, Putting up the Crime Scene Tape, Falling off the Roof, Expelling the Hysteria, having Flooding of Biblical Proportions, Entertaining the Uninvited Guest, Flying Bravo, Crossing Red River to Oklahoma, Hanging Upside Down from a Tree, Having a Talk with Father de Bricassat, Having Her Pixies, Hemorrhaging, got Her Whores a-Moanin', Hunting for Red October, Having an Affair This Week, Stopping at the Red Light, Riding the Crimson Wave, Boarding the Testy Train, Having a Glass of V-8, on Auto-Drip, Out of the Temple, Painting the Town Red, Sent to the Bench, Suffocating Little White Mice, Making Mouse Mummies, Smoking a Ladies' Cigar, Straddling a Nice Merlot, Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System, T Minus Nine Months and Holding, Sitting on Uncle Billy's Knee, having the Imperial Guards in Residence, in the Red Tent, Blowing Bloody Snot, enjoying Arts and Crafts Week in Panties Land, Raining Down South, Entertaining Lestat, Feeding the Kitty, Walking the Thin Red Line, Leaking in the Basement, Losing Her Lining, Waving Maggie's Drawers, Using Manhole Covers, Cooking Mommy's Apples, Paying the Monthly Bill, Suffering Monsoon Season, Kissing Mister Grumpy, Having Her Crimpka Poosh, Shedding Her Ovaries, Got a Volcano in Her Uterus, Bringing Miss Scarlett Home to Tara, Getting Her Oil Changed, Passing a Liver, Playing Ragtime Piano, Sticking a Cork in It, Chasing the Red Bird of Bitchiness, on a Red Dot Special, Having a Red Letter Day, Pulling the Rip Cord.

I bring this up only because, in a sparkling example of archetypal synchronicity, so am I.

The sharks are circling. We're taking classes at Bama. Sorry, no sex. Playground's muddy. Not tonight, Mark Anthony; I'm on my Pyramid. My ovaries are eating my intestines. Someone is scraping a melon baller over the walls of my uterus. I'm taking Carrie to the prom. The banks of the Nile are overflowing and running red. The Red Sox are playing a home game. I'm suffering from the hairy hatchet wound. Communists Are Invading the Summer House. White undies are out. Ginny ain't swimmin'. The Cardinal's in town.

The reindeer are stomping on the roof; Santa's bringing the presents. Get out the goddamn cookies and milk. Now excuse us; we're having our euphemism.