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Mid-January, Rain - January 13, 2012
Almost Midwinter - December 14, 2011
Saturday, Noonish, Sunny - November 05, 2011
October, White - October 31, 2011
October, 2011 - October 04, 2011


July 04, 2005

5:36 p.m.

Notes from the Closet

Most of the weekend was, in fact, pretty good... Steve and I had a long talk Saturday afternoon about the state of things, and he seemed very understanding (though disappointed) when it became clear that we weren't both in the same relationship, as it were. I stated clearly that I was uncomfortable with the Girlfriend label and the obligations it entailed, and that I felt I wasn't able to give him the time and substance of me that he wanted. He agreed, and said clearly that he wanted a Girlfriend in his life, and would rather see and talk to me more often, but if that wasn't possible he'd be glad to take me as I was in hopes that one day my schedule would change and I'd be more available. I then told him I felt very rooted in my place here in CT and that I really didn't want to move into his house (even as an "eventual" thing). He said that might affect his ability to hang with me as friends, knowing that's all it would be. We reflected on the fact that, when we met, he was actively, ardently looking for a Girlfriend and made no secret of that fact; I wasn't even looking for a date, and made no secret of that either. Things seem to have come back to the starting point. We discussed it all calmly and deeply, roughing out ground rules where possible and also noting the fuzzy areas where we'd have to make things up as we went along. We said we would keep the floor open during the visit, and keep talking about it as necessary. He said he'd probably want me to recap everything we'd said before I left on Monday, so that he was clear. I said okay. Then we proceeded to have a lovely time Saturday night and Sunday.

He mentioned Sunday that he felt somewhat freed up by no longer having to be on "best boyfriend behavior." I took this as a good sign.

Later he said that our conversation had made him fall in love with me even more, because I was so honest and independent and strong and so forth. I took this as a bad sign. I asked him if this was human nature's tendency to want more what you can't have, and he said no, it's just that he really respected me for knowing myself and it made him love me more deeply. I didn't know what to say to that.

This morning I got the request for recap, and then I knew why he'd asked for it. Apparently, though I thought our Saturday conversation was very clear, what HE came away with was:

1) Nothing has really changed except the nomenclature. I'll no longer be calling you my, quote, Girlfriend.

2) We're still seeing each other.

2a) Maybe someday, though you might have said otherwise though I can't remember exactly, you might change your mind and decide to move in.

Argh, AARRRRGGHHH!!

Okay. We went through it all again and it was clear that this was officially a Breakup, and suddenly it seemed like a surprise to him. I feel I might hitherto have painted him as this emotional mess of a person, and I attribute that to putting more venting in here than just normal happy stuff. He's got his shaky moments but he is also a truly lovely, generous, sweet guy who, it so happens, is not the right guy for me. It came clear to me in the last couple of months that our needs are vastly different... Six months ago I wasn't as certain of what I wanted or didn't want. I've been evolving at a rapid pace in some ways -- just time to, I guess -- and I feel so clear inside now.

But I haven't done this in SO long... broken up with anyone... it's still not any fun. I drove as far as Rose's house and stopped by to see if they were doing anything festive today. She was washing her car, so I washed mine in their driveway, and then offered to wash Mike's car. Rose helped me, and then we washed Mike's other car. It was a good meditation, and I was grateful to be able to see them and get a little more grounded. Then I came home via the grocery store and made a late lunch / early dinner, didn't answer the phone the first time, then when it rang again ten minutes later I picked it up and it was Steve, wanting to know What happened? Was it something he did? Was he to blame? Is he a bad person? You can see where this is going. I talked to him for half an hour and got him back on the ground, clarified EVERYTHING, told him gently that I didn't want to have to go over it all again, and soon after we hung up. He's miserable. He was certain I was the one. Hey, I said at one point, I've been certain about people, too. Attached to one outcome. That's so hard, and we do it all the time.

So, that's my venting on the breakup, and I don't want to vent about it any more, because you've all been through it and you all have your opinions about this and it's all okay and it's all moot, because that little era is over. I've been on the other end plenty of times. I think we'll still be friends, and I hope we will, when some time has passed. I'm trying to disengage somewhat, in an appropriate way, while still being supportive and compassionate. But for now I'm feeling like ducking into the closet every time the phone rings.


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