June 30, 2005

11:30 p.m.

The Hmmmm Factor

I seem to have become a slight celebrity at last weekend's festival owing to the unfortunate event described in my last entry. People I don't even know are extending condolances. Anyway, it's funny because I'm so low-key at these things, folks don't usually recognize me unless I'm standing next to one of my bandmates.

It's been a nice week; Dar and I had a play day yesterday and it was great to see him after a long spell. We saw my sister, Rose, and Mike, and got some of their stories from Peru (and a very attractive, hand-woven backpack-style bag in just my colors). Today was a business and rehearsal day, but we never got around to rehearsing, as there was so much business to do. We were all a little discouraged about not getting into certain festivals (again), so we finally decided to take ourselves to a movie. We saw Howl's Moving Castle, a new animated movie that was rather delightful and had beautiful scenery. Talk about wanting to go into the picture! So that was our diversion.

And tomorrow morning I get to go to the dentist.

********

Meanwhile, Steve went on an emotional roller coaster this week over a couple of things, and we had some long talks about emotional patterns, psychology and depression. I did my best to be supportive and get to the bottom of things, though at one point he said, "I feel like you're talking down to me, as you would to someone who needs help!" HelLO. This is exactly why I didn't want to jump into this with both feet. (What does that mean, anyway? How can you jump into something with one foot?) You just don't know people's patterns until you've hung around them for a while, and then this shit comes up. He was overreacting in very self-bashing ways to something and simply would NOT get off it. I finally told him he was the only one in the ring beating himself up, and he could give me not one reason why.

And it kind of seals the hunch I'd been getting for a while, that we're not meant to "be" together for the long term. I'm so sorry, but I've been with a couple of kind of emotionally unstable, unpredictable guys and I don't want that job again. I can be a good friend when someone is freaking out, but do not look forward to episodes like this from my S.O.

I've been getting uncomfortable for a while with the level of neediness I'm seeing in him... always says he wants to talk to me more, see me more (neither of which is really possible)... well, I guess I don't need to go into all of this, but it's clear to me that we're not on the same page and I'm starting to feel a little obliged as opposed to enthused. I lurve him as a friend. I like spending time with him; he's good company. I even like having sex with him; it's fun, it's nurturing. But I definitely don't want to move in with him. And I'm reminded that, when we met, he was actively, ardently looking for a girlfriend. I wasn't even looking for a date. Now that things have settled in somewhat, I kind of still feel the same way.

Blah blah blah. Married to my career, yadda yadda. Or is it all just that I feel better, emotionally, than I have in a few years, and I want to surround myself with positive people who don't complain a lot or have big mood swings that send them off the deep end for days at a time, especially when every gentle thing I say to help goes in one ear and out the other? Hmmm?