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Mid-January, Rain - January 13, 2012
Almost Midwinter - December 14, 2011
Saturday, Noonish, Sunny - November 05, 2011
October, White - October 31, 2011
October, 2011 - October 04, 2011


January 16, 2005

8:09 p.m.

Closures

WELLLLL, I just don't want to say too much, and maybe that's why I haven't written in a few days. Also we were away for the weekend. Anyway, I can say that I have a new friend, who is very sweet on me, and extremely nice and has a lot of good things going for him, and my sister has met him already and likes him, and the band likes him... and I'm being reticent because I want to wait to see if I feel anything, and if so what it is, and whether it's sincere or just there because there's been this void of feeling for a long time.

But it is reinforcing one thing: Will was a clueless doltwit who didn't give me anything, not one thing, not a crumb, and certainly didn't treat me as I deserved (apparently) to be treated.

And I wasted two years of energy on him.

Not wasted, of course, because there are lessons in everything; but man, how I loved chasing the elusive.

********

I've booked a four-night solitary retreat in April at a beautiful, remote hermitage, where my hope is to find a way to leave behind some of the grief I carry over Will, over my puzzling deceased father, and perhaps a few others as well. I'd like to soften to this anger. I don't want to always think of Will and say, "What a stupid fuck! I hope he suffers too!" You know, that's just not nice, and it keeps resentment current instead of letting it mellow and dissipate which it's supposed to do with time. Let him go his way. He's on his own path; let Heaven guide him and you leave him alone. Not being in his skin, I can't know his whole story.

My new friend, whom I will call Steve, and I have emailed copiously the last week. We did visit the one time; but there have been maybe 45 long emails detailing our respective life stories. It's exhausting. I don't want to get to know anyone else any time soon. I'm sick of talking about myself, remembering all these years and relationship(wreck)s and events. It's been fun, though, and now that we've seen each other once even writing is more like talking face to face. There is much I could write about him but I'd rather let it unfold gradually. I will say one thing, though...

Last time Will was here -- no, make that in my old apartment, for he's never been here -- he showed me his scar from the heart surgery. They call it a "full zipper" when they have to cut the sternum and open the whole ribcage, because the vertical scar is very long. Well, Steve had told me that a few years ago his aorta burst, out of the blue -- a congenital defect -- and he had to go to the hospital in a hurry. He passed out in the ambulance and woke up three days later with a morphine drip and a lot of stitches. They said he ought to have died, but he didn't. He's perfectly fine now. But, curious, I asked to see his scar.

He has a full zipper.

It was too weird.

It touched me in a way I can't describe.

********

That's all for today. We had a kind of lousy gig last night and fun radio show this afternoon. We leave Thursday for 2-1/2 gig-packed weeks in Florida -- none too soon, I say, as it's supposed to be around 0 degrees tonight.

Today's word means "the sudden appearance of the commonplace in otherwise elevated matter or style."


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