December 27, 2004

7:19 p.m.

Rummaging

It's been a quiet day.

One mentionable item is that I did finally work out. The motivating factor probably was stepping on the scale this morning.

The slight gain since Thanksgiving didn't depress me, though; it's as though I knew it was going to be there, and that it would cause me to straighten up a bit. I think I'm feeling down in general though. It could be I'm beginning to embrace this lonely business, perhaps as a way of getting through it.

Our musician friend, Wes, called yesterday. He's the one whose girlfriend left him for his best friend this Fall. He had asked for my contact info since I had moved and all, but I wondered if he was reaching out in a more personal way, since he'd never actually asked for my phone number before, though I've known him three years or so. Anyway, in spite of it making me slightly wary I gave it to him, because there really wasn't any reason not to. So he called to check in. It's so weird for me to get a call on my home phone that isn't Dar, the band, or Rose. He sounded fairly cheery, which is a good sign. He said he was headed out to.. where? out of state? for a few days, to visit an old high school sweetheart. She's all into metaphysical stuff and reincarnation and insists that Wes and his ex "decided all this together before they were born," and that none of it is an accident or even terrible. I rather love that point of view, and somewhat subscribe to it, but not entirely. I think we still choose here, and things could go any number of ways, but that on the other side we exist in a continuum that precedes earthly life, and goes on after, and includes ongoing relationships with people or souls that we know here.

All of which doesn't ease my troubled mind about my own current situation; but, as my dear ex-boss Gordon used to say, "Even if you do nothing, things will change."

Anyway, I found I didn't have much to say. It's like I really don't want anyone to try to get to know me right now.

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I watched one of my favorite Christmas videos, "The Year without a Santa Claus," tonight. It stars Mickey Rooney and if I can remember the voice of Mrs. Claus I'll write it later, but it's now totally gone from my head, although when I read the credits tonight I said, "Oh yeah, her!" Tch. My brain. (LATER ADDENDUM: SHIRLEY BOOTH.)

To further pamper myself, I took a long, hot foot bath with scented oils. It was a foot bath because I only have a shower here, no tub. But it's nice to sit in the kitchen reading a good book and soaking my feet. Feels quite spa-like. And I have just had eggnog with lots of nutmeg. Well, eggnog "lite," you know, and cut with a little soymilk. I can't think of any other favors to lavish upon myself at the moment. But sooner or later some of these things have to make me feel better.

********

We had a bit more snow; Dar said eight or nine inches in Boston, and God bless him, part of his work is shoveling it. This is a terrible, though lucrative, time of year for him. Terrible because not only is shoveling crappy work, but he's in a show so his work time is severely curtailed and with the shoveling, he has a lot more than usual to get done. He's complained about it as long as I've known him -- and with good cause -- but he never seems to get the idea that this is the life he's chosen. No one forced it upon him. Just like when I complain of having little money, it's my own doing. He just says, "It has to be done," and yes it does, but if he wanted to change the landscape of his working life he could arrange to do that. He just would rather feel stuck.

Here's another eccentricity of his. He has an AmEx card, which charges a $35 annual fee whether it's used or not. AmEx isn't accepted in a lot of places because they charge the vendors a higher percentage per transaction than other cards do (that don't even charge an annual fee). So it's not as convenient to use. So I point these things out to him and he says, "Well, I've had the card for years." Okay, he's had it since 1975. So? "It's only $35 a year." Okay, $35 times 29 years is what? $1015 at this point. Wouldn't you like to have $1015 right now? "But it's the one card I pay off every month." Soooo..... why don't you get another free Visa or a Discover that you'll pay off every month????? None of these excuses is valid -- the real excuse is, it's a HABIT, and you're stuck in it!!!!

...sorry. Had to get that off my chest.

Let's see, do I have anything at all good to say about anything tonight? Hold on a minute...

Thinking...

Um.

I donated some things to the Salvation Army today. The woman was very nice. I'd brought some jewelry and a nice little jewelry box that had been my mom's, and she talked fondly of her father who passed. She said she kept his clothes in her car for six months before she could part with them. All the while she was shaking her head and smiling. They were very close.

I changed my sheets.

Rose and I finished the photos for the mouse book.

I still have a sore throat. WHOOPS -- that's not good.

I can't think of anything else. I'm jaded, dissatisfied, lonely and I have no faith in love. That's my truth! Embrace it!

And have a lovely evening.