December 19, 2004

1:40 a.m.

Bornearly Loses Her Cool

I'm not updating so frequently any more. Is that because life is stable, plodding along as usual, nothing but predictable and comfy events following one after another like elephants in a circus parade?

No.

Lately it's because I've been so angst-ridden I haven't had the mettle to confess that...

ARGGHHHH AARRRGGHHHHH, I can't even say it.

Upon the advice of several friends who practically beat me over the head with rolled-up newspapers, and in spite of hideous, fearsome waves of anxiety over the whole thing, I went and signed up on a certain find-yer-soulmate website. That was three days ago.

I've been so frightened since then, I dream every night about filling out personality profiles and looking up what matches arrived in my inbox.

It's brought up all sorts of stuff that I'm sure it's good for me to be dealing with, but on the other hand it seems such a foreign and bizarre way to find someone with whom there will be *magic* ("...twenty-nine aspects of compatibility! Four stages of anonymous communication! Bornearly, we'd like to introduce you to Bachelor Number One! Based on your respective profiles, we feel you two are VERY compatible! Waste no time, get started communicating!") that, even when I get past most of the fear and reluctance, it just doesn't seem like the right way for me.

So, if I pull out by Wednesday, I can get my money back.

I still have til Wednesday.

My friend Joan, who first urged me to do this, was seeing someone regularly she met through this service, and she was very enthusiastic about it. They were so-o-o compatible. I was on the verge of calling her this week and telling her I'd signed up, and asking for all sorts of advice ("Is it fair to discount them right away if they have kids?"), when today I got a message from her saying she and her beau had broken up. No more Mr. Compatible. Meanwhile the website explains that I should really give it a whole year, because it should involve meeting lots of people and getting to know them very well, because well, you just have to do that if you're serious about finding your real, true soulmate.

I have neither the time nor the gumption to apply myself in that fashion.

I just figured I'd kind of run out of options, and maybe this was one. Now I'm not so sure.

********

I hang my head in chagrin. I said I'd never do this, and here I am eating my words. They taste like Melba Toast, if you want to know.

********

Meanwhile we were opening tonight for a good friend of ours, and he's recently split with his longtime girlfriend, after she informed him that she'd been carrying on for some time with his best friend. He's been a total mess, lost a lot of weight, has to be on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds so that he won't weep uncontrollably every day. After hearing his story I felt my lot wasn't so bad. At least I'm not traumatized -- just scared of shadows, really.

********

So I'm trying to get off sugar. It's become a crutch. I let this happen from time to time, then get off it completely and balance out. Then later it becomes interesting again. I wax and wane like the moon. (Ha ha, I accidentally wrote, "I wax and want." That's pretty much correct.)

Maybe, couched in my anger, I haven't grieved Will enough, with actual sadness. It's easy to be mad. I know I had a lot of sadness before, but maybe there's something about it that it has to be included in the closure. I think of this because every time I'd look at a "match" and try to imagine going out on a first date with them, I'd realize I was thinking of Will. I can't help that I wanted him so much; he was the most natural person in the world for me to wax and want. Is it so odd that I would look for those qualities in someone else?

I may not be ready for this after all.

But I am ready for bed. It's late, even for me.