August 18, 2004

12:15 p.m.

Kiss Yo Wimpy White Ass Goodbye, or
The Day I Gave Will the Boot

After leaving Will exactly two messages, maybe a week and a half apart, which was after not hearing from him for seven weeks, after starting to make plans to do some friend type stuff, after getting the distinct impression that he was interested in being friends and finally having some kind of continuous relationship... all this after the two plus years of pain, frustration and well, pain and frustration over him... I finally got a message back yesterday.

It was slightly flip and oh so casual, like he'd decided not to see any of my feelings.

I thought he'd gotten over that bit after the last time, after the multiple (and tearful) apologies, and all the confessing that he'd made mistakes and treated me badly because of... because of the terrible, numbing relationship he'd been in back then which caused him to not act like himself. And how, now, he was so much more himself and wouldn't act like that any more.

Honestly the messages I'd left weren't over the top. I was somewhat miffed, and puzzled, and concerned that I'd said or done something to put him off (though I knew I hadn't, but maybe he perceived something), but I made sure I was rational and fair and calm when I'd called. And I'd waited all these weeks, leaving him alone (thinking I'd let him be the proactive one just to see if he would be). I let him know that if he had any issues with me it was okay to talk about them. After all, we'd been imminently planning to do some things and then I didn't hear from him for almost two months. What I got in return was him chuckling casually into my machine and saying, "Well, from your last two messages I felt like I was being scolded and yelled at by my mother!" What? I listened to this message, about how "I've had my Mister Busy hat on, producing a lot of projects and then I was out of town for a couple of weeks... sorry I didn't get back to you before, but like right now I'm going to take a nap and then I have a rehearsal and a gig tonight, and I'm working again tomorrow... and it sounds like you're busy too... so I'll try you another time," and I said to the air, "Sure you will."

Then I started on packing another box, wrapping little glass candle holders with bubble wrap, and I didn't feel sad. I just felt righteously indignant and passed over and pissed. Five minutes later I looked at the clock: 7pm. Good; he'd be at his gig already. I dialled his number and waited for the voice mail.

I then proceeded to calmly leave him his last message from me. I said I was surprised at his rather flip tone, and that I didn't think I was either scolding or yelling or sounding anything like his mother. I said, "I'm about done with this. It sounds like you're too busy to be friends with me. I'm clearly not on your list of priority people to keep in touch with, much as I would have liked to be, all this time -- because it takes so little to just leave a message now and then. It's clear that, once again, you're choosing not to acknowledge my feelings. So I don't know what else to say except I'm moving, and I'm moving on. I'm glad you're well, I'm glad you're busy, but I really don't care if you ever call me again."

G'bye.

I hung up and continued packing, waiting for what I would feel; no cry, no sad. Just pissed. And then... free.

I'm free.

It's not the freedom I thought I'd get, because it doesn't feel jubilant, but I do sense a weight gone and a tether loosed. I'm also in some disbelief at what a fuckwit he turned out to be, after all the benefits of doubts I heaped upon him. It's almost a relief to find I was simply mistaken.

I was reading Hissandtell's most recent, fabulous entry this morning and she was talking about Mercury being all out of whack and how that was creating all this imbalance in her life. (Well, it was very funny the way she put it, of course.) Though I know diddly about planetary influences, I've been feeling the orbs are lining up in a very powerful way for me, an unprecedented way. I'm going back to my heartspace in Willimantic, to create it anew; I'm letting go of Will; I'm nurturing a new circle of friends in this area that will stimulate me in new ways. I'm finding myself sort of relaxing into it and letting it carry me. I'm looking forward to its unfolding because I know it will be right. It feels like faith.