July 19, 2004

8:11 p.m.

The List

A litany of woes.

I'm having travel anxiety over a little two-day trip this week. Have I been home too long?

I've started going through my files as the first step to moving. The reality of the move is noodging me in the ribs. I finally got the information I wanted about the artists' building going up in Willimantic, and it's not as glorious as Joan made it sound. The building won't be open until around March anyway, and the rent reduction I'd get, provided I qualified (read: am poor enough), wouldn't be as low as I hoped. They're going on Hartford criteria for some reason, even though they're in a different county. I probably won't find out specifics, or be able to formally apply, for an unknown number of weeks.

Having said that, the rents in Willi are cheaper than surrounding towns, so it could still be very reasonable. The manager at Hartford will recommend me, and Joan as well, so we'd get first pick of units -- and the building overlooks the river and the falls. It used to be a thread mill.

But it WOULD mean living in the chaos of my dear sister's for five months or so. Well, I was originally prepared to do that anyway, and I can use the money I'd save. And I can still be looking for other options.

I'm just kind of tired right now.

Still no word from Will, and I'm so fed up I'm either a) clenching my teeth in my sleep, or b) stress eating, or c) busily developing a huge, subcutaneous zit (which I've nicknamed "the underground railroad") on my chin, or d) crying during movies, or e) obsessing over my hair, which I just colored a darker red than I ever wanted, owing to L'Oreal discontinuing the ONLY strawberry blond color they made, or f) having imaginary conversations with Will wherein I list all the ways he done me wrong, OR g) going back and telling Ex off repeatedly, even though he's dead, and then wondering if I should find a therapist to help me let go.

Letting go. I wonder what that feels like any more.

Well, I know I'm physically really fit, because I got my bloodwork back and I'm just sparkling. I'm just a little depressed, that's all. Life hasn't ground to a halt. I'm just jaded, bitter and untrusting. It could happen to anybody.

I've got my dukes up, and there's no one to fight.