May 20, 2004

4:18 p.m.

My Freakin' Sorry Ass, Okay?

Most excellent and long bike ride today. I went farther on the rail trail than ever before, and I know I got well into Bolton. Also my new fitover sunglasses came, and with a little Rube Goldberging I made them into proper goggles so the pollen doesn't annihilate my eyes. They worked very well today, and I must say that if I look a little geeky, at least no one will ever recognize me with the helmet and sunglasses and all.

I'm also noticing all-new muscles popping out on my legs. This is a good thing. If I have mid-40's skin, at least there's something going on underneath it besides random swaying. Sigh. All of this self-consciousness. Is it really necessary?

Anyway the weather was perfect, and I learned it's best not to talk out loud to myself while cycling -- not because people will hear me, but because the chance that a bug will fly into my mouth increases manyfold if that mouth is constantly opening to deliver the State of the Yearning Address. Did not actually ingest any, however.

I did hear (speaking of eating bugs, even though this has nothing to do with that unless in a metaphorical sense) from my engineer friend, Sig, that Will is in NYC tonight for his inaugural gig. He hasn't played out for months, and tonight is the night -- he seems to be driving already. That all by itself is fabulous and reason to be cheerful. However, the next thought I had, being the doom and gloom princess that I have been of late, is that ex-girlfriend, a.k.a. the Snow Queen, LIVES in NYC. Add: no hear from Will for two weeks, plus gig in NYC where ex lives, equals a pretty good possibility that they've been in touch, she's coming to the gig, and he doesn't want to tell me about any of it.

Yeahyeahyeah, I don't know for sure. But y'know, I feel like I'm gonna be the last one to see him. Everybody else'll get to hug him and congratulate him and see his scars and hear him play and hear the story, and I'll be the last one because I'm just not up there on the list, and why not???? I care for him more than they do, I am the one who's shed all these tears, and isn't it all about ME ME ME??

Apparently not. Once again, I take a bank shot off the left rim and am bounced out of my position at the center of the Universe. What a fuckin' shot in the ass! I'm complaining, here!

So instead of finding solace or satisfaction I will go light the candles on my new little heart-healing altar (it's pretty cool, aside from the aspect of looking like a metal step-stool covered with a piece of velvet), say my little prayers, and then go shower and pack for Virginia. Thank heaven I can afford gas this weekend to get to my gigs. I'll just pick my sorry ass up and go do my job.