Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

Cast of Characters

Mid-January, Rain - January 13, 2012
Almost Midwinter - December 14, 2011
Saturday, Noonish, Sunny - November 05, 2011
October, White - October 31, 2011
October, 2011 - October 04, 2011


March 01, 2004

2:41 p.m.

Heart Murmurs

Basking amid the chaos of returning... stuff everywhere, piles of separated laundry, empty coffee cup, half-unpacked suitcases, bills on the floor...

Bliss.

Will called this morning, having wheeled his mobile heart-catheter to the one place on the floor where he can use a cell phone without disrupting the functioning of lifesaving medical equipment. They've got him stabilized so that he's feeling pretty good, but they'll have to take him off the adrenaline drug for a day to see if he can maintain. If not, they've informed him, he'll probably be living in the hospital until they can get him a heart.

Scary as this is, I'm finding the prospect of getting it overwith to be exciting, as I'm sure he is. He said he can't remember what it's like to have a normal day, doing whatever he pleases. How amazing it must be to just look forward to that. He's also an exceptional candidate because of his size and weight - he's eligible for old or young, male or female hearts. Right now it all sounds very positive.

I'm very aware that if his busy life goes back to "normal," he'd be even busier and less available for visits, maybe even less interested as life ramps up. He has a zillion friends and coworkers, and used to tour heavily too -- and moved in much higher circles than I, for sure. There are many ways to be unavailable. I have to be willing to let it go, if the old reasons merely give way to new.

I can do that.

We did see his ex girlfriend at the Folk Alliance, incidentally. She's a side player with another female artist, and is a sort of "professional friend" of Carol's, so they chat whenever they run into one another. She's very tall, thin, and drop-dead gorgeous. I only saw her through a window, and didn't have to be present for any chatting. I have no idea whether she and Will are still in touch.

Another thing that happened over the weekend was that a musician/songwriter with whom I'm lightly acquainted invited me to join him for lunch, so we walked over to the mall (which had an exceptional food court - great sushi, fish tacos, all sorts of good stuff cheap) and had a very long chat. He asked certain leading questions which eventually led to my telling him the ENTIRE Ed story, even the sordid parts (he'd been with a bipolar woman for a time, so we bonded a little over that) and it was interesting to revisit the tale in toto, as I haven't done for a long time. For about a year after Ed's suicide, I wore the story like a uniform, having to tell it to everyone I met. "Hi, I'm so-and-so, guess what happened to me?" Of course it's no longer like that, but I let myself tell him in increments because he seemed trustworthy and likeminded. (Plus there's that, "Have I got a good story for you" aspect.)

All the while, because I'm the way I am, I kept wondering, Why did he invite me to lunch? Does he like me in some way? Is what I'm telling him too intimate? Is this just a musicians-palling-around thing? Do I find him attractive? Am I being cool enough while still seeming friendly? Then he mentioned his "partner," who was coming out in a couple of days so they could celebrate her birthday. I felt somewhat relieved and off the hook. Oh, it's just the musicians-at-a-conference thing! Then I was sure he'd mentioned it, oh so casually and normally, to let me know that he hadn't asked me out like a date, and wasn't on the make but really only being friendly, in a my-band-admires-your-band sort of way. I tried very hard not to let my eyes register any of this, because god forbid I give away any of my frenetic mind babble.

Then we got to talking about relationships in general, and living alone vs. living with a partner, and he wanted to know if my domestic solitude was by choice or by turn of events, and I said yes and yes, and that I was much happier and more creative when I had plenty of personal space, and I could see that he missed some of that too. Each time he mentioned his partner or their relationship, a little more truth would out: We've been together seven years, a record for me; We have our idiosyncrasies; If it weren't for her day job I wouldn't have any time to myself; I'm monogamous but sometimes I wonder why Western mores require it... etc. And, finally, the capper: I've found you interesting since the first time we met... and I'm glad we could have this conversation, this "emotional intercourse," so that we can have some kind of connection without taking our clothes off (laugh), though not to say I would mind that either (laugh laugh) (responsive, loud laugh from me because I don't have the presence of mind to say "Er, okay, that crossed the line pal, don't start the car if you can't put her in gear!")

It really was okay, it was just a little moment of him speaking his truth, and I didn't feel threatened or put upon or anything - and I wasn't even attracted to him in a way that would tempt me to respond. It was just flattering, albeit a little embarrassing. But in retrospect, exchanges like this perplex me. Was he sounding me out, hoping I would respond differently? As we walked back in the chilly sunlight, I had a memory of the passion I felt for Will, lo these two years past (and it is two years, now, almost to the week, that it all began), and wondered for the hundredth time whether I'd ever feel that again. It's so easy to say no, now.


|

previous - next


free hit counter

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!