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February 16, 2004

7:26 p.m.

Partly Cloudy Ceiling

Had kind of a pms day. That's an odd phrase coming from me, because I've never been prone to it. I wonder if it's

a) one of Perimenopause's neat little gifts, or

b) stress, or

c) a touch of depression, or

d) fatigue, or

e) malnutrition.

Could be any or all of the above. Just wanted to cry for several hours. Argh, my inner child said! Arghhhhh! Why me, why now, why any of this?

I had to go to Guitar Center to finally, once and for all, deal with getting a flight case for my bass which I need next week. I hate going to Guitar Center. It's loud as hell and chaotic because they have at least two conflicting sound systems playing music at once, plus every 20-something rockstar hopeful is playing an electric guitar out of an amp bigger than anything he can afford. There's no escape from the noise, even in the acoustic guitar room. (You'd think, with all they know about soundproofing...) Anyway, my day was made a lot better by a guy named Mike who came right out and helped me even though he was in the middle of lunch. He was superb, enthusiastic, ran back and forth a lot getting info and pulling out cases and calling Ibanez for information and finally ordering a case for me. He deserves a raise.

He's young and not yet jaded. I like that in a store employee.

This morning I did a couple hours of post-DC-tour office work, then several hours of errands this afternoon. By the time I got back, it was time to make a really decent supper, and I cancelled going to Rose's house tonight as I'll see her Wednesday anyway.

Not sure why, but my brain was misfiring today; difficult to find words, complete tasks, talk coherently. Could be fatigue. I got 3-1/2 hours of sleep on Saturday, after a five hour drive and a long gig, owing to the fact that there were about a dozen kids on my hotel floor who were there for some kind of tournament, but their parents apparently had opted to stay on a different floor so there was no adult supervision at all. The kids were still running around at 1:00am, slamming doors, arguing in the hall, locking each other out of rooms... I verbally kicked their asses twice (some of them, I am sure, will be scarred for life by the irate, rumpled, dykey-looking old lady down the hall who almost choked their prepubescent little necks with her bare hands) and finally had to request another room on another floor. Once settled in again, it was a while before I calmed down enough to sleep. Because we had to get up at 5:15 that morning to get to our D.C. gig on time, I didn't quite get through one REM cycle. After the D.C. gig, which took a long time to wind down, we drove the 7 hours home. That was last night. I think I can cut myself a little slack today.

Still, why would it make me angry at other people? I had now-unremembered dreams last night, arguments maybe, or just people doing me wrong. I woke up arguing with Ed, the abusive bipolar ex-boyfriend who killed himself in 1997. Do I still have that much unclaimed baggage about him, after all this time?

Then Chris wanted us to play a song this weekend which I HATE doing, and we only do it for Phil Ochs tribute concerts because we want to get on the good side of the presenter of same because she's very influential; we're playing at her venue this weekend and he thinks it would earn us points to play the song there. We don't even like Phil Ochs's music. We only learned this one song so we could be invited to an occasional Phil Ochs tribute night, and I do that under protest. But this is our concert. Why should we play something we dislike just to kiss ass, when that's not our mission statement? So on this premenstrual day, after not enough sleep, poor road food and bad dreams, you can imagine how cheerfully I responded to that idea.

And I can totally hear everything that's going on downstairs tonight. At least it's not arguing.

So anyway, I gave myself the evening off. I refuse to do any work tonight. I watched a little tv, made a superlative stirfry, drank a little wine. Plan to do more of same. I have a little picture I took in the greenroom at one of our gigs, which I'll download, upload, and put in a bit later. I hope y'all are having a decent day.



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