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Mid-January, Rain - January 13, 2012
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October, White - October 31, 2011
October, 2011 - October 04, 2011


January 13, 2004

10:15 a.m.

Mapping Skills

I felt as though I were back in school, with a load of homework and no way out of it. There are fifteen steps in our Florida tour, and I needed to map each one and print directions, with pertinent gig info, mileage, and driving time. It would be quicker if the mapping software weren't so tedious about the written directions it generates. It has to measure every off-ramp. If a straight road changes names five times in five miles, it gives five separate directions for going straight. I'm far too obsessive to let that go, so I will transcribe the whole thing in my own language and put it in a separate document. By midnight I was befuddled.

So there are still four steps to generate, and then it's done and I can go to rehearsal, where I will fight to stay awake and wish I were doing something else like reading or walking on a beach or... say, I might be walking on a beach soon. Not bad.

I had another dream that I was moving into my mother's house. Different house this time, of course, and my room seemed to be my sister's old room. There was a lot of ceiling-high white shelving and I thought, some of that has got to go. Way too cluttered and no room for fabrics or artwork.

No other dream memories, but I slept pretty well and would be there STILL if it weren't for this silly need to make a living.

Last night, though, pre-falling asleep, I was thinking about Will and how when we were sitting on the couch he was telling me things that were dug up from deep and making his eyes tear, and making sure I was looking at him so he'd know I was listening; and it occurred to me that that was the most intimate thing that's happened to me in a couple of years. I've forgotten how it is to be really open with someone, to go to that magical and supremely vulnerable place and trust that I will be safe. It was startling to realize how that had slipped behind all the layers of defenses and the self reliance strategies, and it was dismaying. I wondered, when it becomes time to go there again, whether my map will still be good.

(I asked my balloon. He didn't answer.)


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