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January 03, 2004

11:57 p.m.

Attic Dreams

I'm very excited about the Mars adventure. I can hardly encompass the scope, timespan and ambition involved. On NPR today someone was being interviewed about it, and he was saying things like, "Well, this probe isn't looking for life so much as water; we thought it better to find out first whether there is, or has been, liquid water on Mars, and then we can go back up and look for life." Just go on back up and look for life. When this one won't even come back for two more years. Then we'll just pop back up for another look.

It's just bigger than I can grasp.

So the band went to New Jersey and had a good gig last night; it was too late to drive home (even for us), so we stayed over and drove home this morning/afternoon. Meanwhile I was dealing with some major computer problems before I left, and got right back on that the moment I came in today. Spent approximately 50 minutes on hold with tech support (I actually took a NAP in my round chair while listening to classical music on hold), and luckily got a technician who was able to diagnose and fix both the problems I was having. I also now have spyware (I had NO IDEA all those bots were on my computer) and the newest version of Norton SystemWorks. I feel protected... I sense the bodyguard just outside the door. I shall sleep in peace knowing that all my little cyberchildren are safe in their beds.

After about 2-1/2 hours of dealing with all that, I had to dash out again to an "Art Gathering" a few towns away, which in this case was kind of a song swap/potluck, any arty thing welcome such as poetry, paintings, music, whatever. We hadn't gone before but it seemed like a good group to network with, so we dragged our butts several towns over and sang a few songs. Lovely people, amazing food. I left relatively early to finish a bunch of data entry which had gotten backed up owing to dealing exclusively with the computer problems this week. Have done some of that, and am almost ready to turn in.

I discovered a superlative wine which I'll share with you here, in case you're a wine lover: Kaesler Stonehorse 2002, Barossa Valley, Grenache Shiraz Mourvedre. From Australia, of course. It's deep and complex and dancy and dark. I don't know whether to drink it or bathe in it.

I've felt a little lost this week. Like my identity is in question; not in my own mind, but in the world. I put my own name on the Scrolling Text Screen Saver, hoping this would help. A few nights ago I had the recurring theme dream of not being able to get back to the attic -- only this time it wasn't even in a house, but a huge place that had been turned into a super grocery store, among other things. There were guards around telling us we couldn't go in certain places. The entrance to the stairway, I recalled, wasn't even a door, but a panel of wood that one removed from the wall somewhere. I was sure it had been walled over in the renovation. There was no way to get back to the special place upstairs.

When I was about 5-1/2, our military family moved to a little brick house in Virginia where we lived for about four years. That was the longest I lived anywhere until I was in my 30s. The attic was in two levels. That is to say, there was a main attic space and then a few more steps into another, smaller attic area, maybe around a corner. I realize now that I can't remember the layout at all, though twenty years ago I might have been able to draw it. Anyway, all my adult life I've had countless dreams (each different) of rediscovering the two-storey attic. I long to get back there. After all these years, I am still looking for the door.


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