December 31, 2003

2:30 p.m.

Shadowy Little Heart

I'm just mad about many things today. I feel I'm losing my solo self to the band, and though I love the band, it feels sometimes like my identity has been swallowed. A friend was mad at me for almost not inviting her to my party, through an honest (though boneheaded) misunderstanding, and I'm still upset about that. I went out for errands after reminding myself repeatedly to remember the rent check, and then left it on the table and had to come back. And every time I write a rent check I'm mad that they raised it. The modest check from my deceased and puzzling father's estate hasn't come yet. My thoughts are misty today. I'm utterly not in the mood to play a New Year's gig, though I have to be ready in less than 2 hours. I'd rather sit at home and cry over stupid shit.

As an antidote, I'm eating chips and party dip for lunch.

It is an absolutely gorgeous day, the warmest December 31st I can ever remember in New England. If I had more mettle I'd carry my bike up from the cellar and go for a ride. But I've already showered for the gig, and then I'd have helmet hair and have to do it all again, and then I'd be late. Anyway it's only one set tonight. We'll be done by 8 and then I can come home and brood over whatever my shadowy little heart desires. And this heart desires much, today. The body needs vegetable matter, though, to counteract my appetizer, so I must go and cook something healthy before changing for tonight.

Here's hoping you're all out of your snits, but not out of your wits. Blessed and Happy New Year to everyone.